This year Father’s Day arrives at the same time as the summer solstice, that turning point when the northern hemisphere receives its fullest measure of light. It is the longest day of the year, and yet it also marks the moment when the days begin, almost invisibly, to shorten again.

I have been thinking about how much this resembles grief. We often imagine grief as pure darkness, and sometimes it is. But grief can also contain extraordinary brightness: memories, gratitude, laughter, relief, a sense of love continuing in forms we cannot quite explain. And even in our darkest and most painful moments, we might feel a glimmer of joy that takes us by surprise.

Perhaps that is why this weekend feels so full to me. It holds Father’s Day, with all its tenderness and ambiguity; the anniversary of my niece Tracey’s death; and the solstice itself—a reminder that life is always moving through cycles of arrival and departure, light and shadow, holding on and letting go.

The Problem with Father’s Day

Many of us seem to have mixed feelings about Father’s Day and historically that has been true since it was first conceived of back in 1910. Men initially rejected the idea of such a celebration because they thought it was soft and too commercialized—in fact it took nearly 60 years for it to be declared a national holiday here in the US.

Men in my own life have seemed uncomfortable with celebrating on this day—reluctant to receive gifts and accolades and unsure if it’s appropriate. And the rest of us have issues on Father’s Day too. It may remind us of the painful grief we still carry from a father who died too early or the father who was never there or one who wounded us in some way.

And yet fathers are crucial to our healthy development and deserve our acknowledgment and gratitude for the care and safety they provide. We want them to know how important they are and we want to celebrate … but it’s complicated. We need to find a way to carry the grief that arises on this day alongside the thankfulness—the darkness and the light—just like the solstice.

My own father died by suicide just one month before Father’s Day. My ambiguous task on this holiday every year is to thank my dad for what he gave to me during his life—the one that he chose to leave by his own hand. I struggled for a long time to thank him for being my father when he voluntarily chose not to continue in that role. That was hard … and heavy.

It took many years for me to be able to carry both the gratitude and the pain together at the same time. But that might be what Father’s Day is asking of all of us—to allow love to take its own unique shape within our grief.

Grieving an Untimely Death

As I mentioned, this year the solstice and Father’s Day also converge on the anniversary of my niece Tracey’s death from breast cancer 9 years ago. This powerful confluence of conflicting emotions on a single day gives me much to reflect on and provides a time for signs and symbols to appear in my life.

On the day Tracey died I experienced a profound grief—she was only 47, so young to be leaving this life behind. I had seen her a few months earlier and had intended to visit once again before she died, but I wasn’t able to fulfill that promise. Deep in regret I wept as I walked along the Blue River path near my home after I heard she had died.

Tracey had suffered a great deal of pain and trauma throughout her life—nothing had come easily for her. She and I had always been separated by many miles so I hadn’t been there to offer support during her greatest challenges. And now I felt all the guilt from that time of separation. My thoughts were filled with self-recrimination—why hadn’t I done more for her—without the self-compassion—I was training to become a doctor, I had my own family to raise.

Grief can be like that—weighing us down with regret and blame, as if we might have turned the tides or changed the course of the river if only we had tried. I had shouldered the immense weight of guilt-ridden grief for decades after my father’s death. And now here was another death for me to carry.

But then something happened. On my walk, the river bent around a curve and the path did as well, turning me toward a field of wild roses that had just bloomed. The air was filled with their sweet fragrance and I actually noted the scent before I saw their vivid pink petals. At the same time rays of sunlight burst through the clouds and illuminated me and the roses. It was stunning. I stopped in my tracks and somewhere in my head I heard laughter—it was Tracey’s distinctive laugh and it washed over me.

Suddenly I felt the enormous weight I had been carrying lift from my shoulders. I was aware that everything was okay. Tracey was fine—she had been released from a life that had been nearly impossible to carry. She was sending love—pure love—in the shape of wild roses in her favorite color blooming everywhere and filling the air with forgiveness and acceptance.*

A New Word for Grief

I carried with me that mixture of feelings—somehow devastated with sadness that I couldn’t see her again and also elated that she was still connected to me and sending joy my way. It didn’t make sense on the one hand but then it was also absolutely the truest thing I had ever experienced.

I wanted to explain it to other people but I didn’t know how. I couldn’t find the words to explain what this type of grief felt like to me. Sad but also joyful. Both as shapes of love that remained with me.

And now I realize that this is the same transformation my grief over my father’s death has undergone. I still miss him dearly and wish he could have stayed longer. But there is lightness in knowing that he moved on to a place of no suffering and our relationship has moved on as well. I miss his physical presence but his wisdom still speaks to me and guides my life every single day.

The unbearable weight of grief and guilt from his death has been lifted—just as the guilt I felt for Tracey lifted when I saw the roses by the river that day. It’s okay for our grief to change over time—to hold the sadness and joy together without canceling either of them out.

Similarly the solstice doesn’t ask the light to apologize for being light because darkness exists. Nor does it deny that the turning toward darkness has begun. It simply holds both truths at once.

Perhaps it’s not a new word for grief that is needed, but a new concept—one spacious enough to hold two truths. Instead of grief so heavy that it pulls us underground—it becomes grief with wings that can carry us forward through life.

Conclusion

There are losses that are tragic beyond words. There are deaths that leave behind anger, incompleteness, shock, or a grief so heavy it can barely be carried. But over time our grief may expand—sorrow may arise with another feeling beside it: relief, peace, gratitude, even joy. Not joy that death occurred, and not joy that erases what was lost. But joy that love is never truly lost, the connection continues.

Love may weep and bless at the same time—and roses still bloom even on the darkest of days.

At the solstice, the world is full of light, but the turning is already underway. Nothing stays fixed. Not the season, not the body, not even grief.

Over time, some grief remains heavy. And some grief grows wings.

It still carries the ache of absence. But it also carries our loved one onward—into our memories, our choices, our laughter, the wisdom that returns to us at unexpected moments. It becomes less like the shape of a stone we drag behind us and more like a seed released into the wind.

Maybe this is one of the many shapes of love: not letting go of someone, exactly, but learning how to let love keep moving … on wings made of grief.

Share

*Listen to the latest episode on What Really Matters Podcast for more of the story of Tracey’s roses.

(NOTE: This reflection is part of a larger body of work I’m creating around the many pathways through which we learn what really matters. You can explore the emerging Field Guide here.)

Grief Stew

A few days ago I was looking for a way to salvage a stale loaf of sourdough bread when I remembered my favorite dish from traveling in Italy: ribollita. I wrote in Wild and Holy, “ribollita is a traditional Tuscan peasant dish, made from leftovers like stale bread, cooked beans, wilted greens, and vegetable scraps from previous meals. The name literally means ‘reboiled,’ and I interpreted it as a second chance—an opportunity for new life—for food that would otherwise have been discarded. Nothing was wasted.”

That day in Italy as I was coping with a second wave of devastating grief while also being a tourist in one of the most beautiful places on earth, I decided that this dish for me was “grief stew: a jumble of things left over that seemingly didn’t belong anywhere else. Neglected and devalued but still had substance to offer when simmered together by a graceful hand. This was holy food that truly fed my soul.”

“What is grief,” I wrote, “if not a stew made from varying remnants of sorrow—changing each day in flavor and consistency—becoming tender and sacred over time … until it tastes only of love.”

So with this recollection I decided to clean out the produce in my refrigerator and make my own grief stew. I added cubes of bread at the end along with Parmesan cheese and olive oil, and to be honest … it did taste like love.

“Grief stew” has remained one of my favorite metaphors for my own grief process over the years as I have mixed together a variety of coping techniques, practices, and rituals to find comfort for myself during the darkest days.

Just as every experience of grief is different it seems there are unlimited ways of responding to it.

The Many Paths of Grief

A number of years ago I wrote a post titled The Many Paths of Grief about several guests I had interviewed for End-of-Life University Podcast who shared their own grief story with me. I was impressed that each person had found a unique response to the loss they had experienced and all of them felt they had grown emotionally and spiritually through their ongoing grief work.

Several guests had founded non-profit organizations and businesses—some with an international reach—to help others who were dealing with a similar type of loss.

Some were artists who used their creativity to express their sorrow—through photography, poetry, drawing, composing music, performing stand-up comedy, writing both fiction and non-fiction, painting, dance, filmmaking, and aerial acrobatics.

Some have pursued spiritual practices, retreats, pilgrimages, grief travel, academic studies, religious devotion, psychedelic drugs, and mediumship. Others have changed careers, become hospice volunteers, death doulas, home funeral guides, end-of-life educators, psychopomps, political activists, and patient advocates.

Loss is the great disruptor of status quo and grief is a master catalyst for change. It may take years of sorrow and pain for change to happen and for growth to occur, but still … it does happen eventually for many who have been thrust into grief.

And it seems clear that there is no one way to process grief or to navigate a course through it—each grief experience is unique and each response to it is individual as well. So is there ever a “wrong way” to respond to grief?

Bypassing Grief

Sometimes the chosen coping method for responding to grief is to bypass it altogether—to simply bury the emotions that arise and focus instead on positivity, spiritual or religious concepts, or constant busy-ness.

Avoiding the pain of grief can be a temporary response when one needs to gather courage or strength to go through it, but psychologists warn of potential harm if the underlying suffering is never addressed.

In truth almost anything can be used as a means of bypassing pain if we are determined to escape from it including work, hobbies, meditation, prayer, therapy, sex, drugs—the list can go on and on.

My latest guest on the EOLU podcast is Dr. Terri Daniel who is holding a symposium in July where several experts will discuss the question of using spirituality and religion as a means of bypassing grief. We talked about this on the podcast and kept returning to the question: does it do harm for someone to bypass grief using spirituality?

We concluded that there is no one right answer—the situation differs for every person involved. Some people may only survive the devastation of loss because they are able to bypass it—to go around grief or bury it when they are not strong enough to face it directly. And maybe just getting through each day is enough and we should honor that. We cannot possibly know what it’s like to be someone else and to carry whatever load has been placed upon them.

The realm of grief touches every human and is vast enough to hold all the many paths that people end up following, even if they choose to simply be still and not move at all.

AI and Grief

While humans have been using tools for coping with grief—or bypassing it altogether—since the beginning of our existence there is now a new and uncharted alternative for grief work with the rise in use of AI. Many of us were shocked to learn in a 2025 survey that millions of people around the world have already used AI for mental health support, including grief.

This number is surprising at first because we think of our own society as being unaware and avoidant of grief. But the sheer number of people turning to AI shows that our need to share our grief is outpacing our ability to talk about it with other humans. Many AI users reported that they turned to AI because human mental health support wasn’t available, affordable, or effective for them.

No doubt we need human connection and responsiveness when we are grieving; we need someone to look into our eyes, touch our hand, breathe with us, and cry with us. But overall we need someone who can listen deeply and sit patiently in silence without judging or rushing us through our feelings.

AI can never replace human physical presence but it does excel at listening for as long as it takes, to stories told over and over again, at any time of the night or day. AI is never tired or preoccupied or in a hurry. Many people report that their deepest pain arises in the middle of the night—when no counselor or support is available—and that is when they find AI to be valuable.

But we know that AI can also be used to bypass grief and cause harm if not used properly. This isn’t a debate on whether or not AI should be used for grief—it is already happening—but a recognition that the widespread use of AI shows us where there are gaps in the grief support that is currently available to people.

With drastic shortages in mental health services predicted to only get worse in the next few decades, we need creative solutions for meeting the need for grief support. Perhaps AI will become part of the solution if well-trained models can be used under human supervision.

Grief is Like Water

Grief, like water, can take many forms in our lives.

Sometimes it hits us like a tsunami and submerges us, sometimes it slowly drips and gradually erodes the surface it falls upon.

Sometimes grief is a still reflecting pool that can reveal our true self, sometimes it is a rushing river with its own unstoppable course.

Sometimes grief is hidden, flowing underground, and carving out spaces we don’t yet know exist. Sometimes grief is frozen and weighs heavily upon us, chilling the air we breathe.

As with water, our bodies are made of grief we cannot detect—shaping our cells, haunting our eyes, tensing our muscles, straining our hearts. Grief is not a temporary state we occasionally experience—it is our nature. We cannot truly escape from grief though we may blind our vision from seeing it.

Perhaps we will learn to let grief follow its own path without trying to redirect it or stifle its flow. Then I think we may see the true power of grief to create change in our lives, to reveal our best and greatest selves, to soften our hard edges and open our hearts, to nourish and strengthen life itself … like a hearty stew … made of love.

Share

Listen to the EOLU Podcast episode here.

Check out my book 7 Lessons for Living from the Dying to learn how my greatest trauma became an opportunity for spiritual growth; and my newest book Wild and Holy, which reveals how I finally came to terms with my devastating grief while traveling through Italy.

A recent episode titled I Need You to Help Me Die, on the podcast playing god? of the Johns Hopkins Berman Institute of Bioethics, addresses the ethically challenging issue of medical aid in dying. I had the privilege to interview the Institute’s Director, Professor Jeffrey Kahn, for End-of-Life University Podcast and our discussion inspired me to write this post.

If you’ve heard my story before you know that my entire career and personal life have been shaped by the suicide death of my father when I was a young adult. That loss shattered my sense of self and my view of life’s meaning, which initiated an ongoing journey to put the pieces together again.

When I first learned about “physician-assisted death” I couldn’t endorse the concept—I reacted with fear and negativity because of the pain I still carry over my father’s violent death and the devastation my family has experienced. I didn’t want to play a role in causing the same suffering for another family:

-the trauma of a sudden violent death

-never understanding why the choice was made

-being unable to say goodbye

-irreconcilable personal guilt

-the disruption of family relationships

But I have since come to realize—after many conversations with colleagues who have participated in MAID—that I had misconceptions about medically-assisted dying from my own lack of knowledge along with my deep wound of grief. I’ve changed my mind because of what I’ve learned.

Choosing MAID is Not the Same as Suicide

In an interview several years ago Arline Hinckley—then of Compassion and Choices Washington—(now End-of-Life Washington) pointed out that MAID is a rational decision made over time and informed by medical professionals. In fact people who seek it out are not refusing life – they have accepted that they are going to die and want to have some control over how and when it happens.

Around 30% of people who obtain the prescription for MAID end up not using it, but they feel at peace knowing they have a “backup plan” if suffering becomes intolerable.

Medically-Assisted Death is Largely Peaceful and Pain-free

While some people who use MAID may have side effects from the medication (up to 6-7%), according to my conversation with nurse Gabrielle Elise Jimenez, medically assisted death is nearly always peaceful. She wrote the guidebook Dignity Day to explain the process for patients and families interested in MAID after accompanying more than one hundred people on this journey.

Being informed in advance and having proper medical support is key for the best outcome.

Loved Ones Can Participate in the Process

Most patients discuss their decision to use MAID with loved ones so they have a chance to prepare and be part of the experience. Questions can be answered and understanding can be achieved before death occurs, which avoids the torment of wondering why this has happened. There is time to express love, to work toward forgiveness, and to say goodbye before the death occurs, which is a rare and precious gift.

In the podcast episode on playing god? journalist Esmé Deprez describes the comfort her family felt in helping her father achieve his wishes. It was difficult and yet there was great beauty in coming together and supporting him in his last days.

Meaningful Rituals are Often Part of the Experience

The process allows patients and loved ones to plan a special farewell in a meaningful location with rituals to support the transition. Chaplain Terri Daniel described a beautiful medically-assisted death she attended and the ritual she created for that day.

This sacred honoring of death can help loved ones navigate grief and experience less guilt and regret after saying goodbye.

Doctors May Have Ethical Conflicts

My conversation with Dr. Bob Uslander pointed out that many physicians may have concerns about MAID because they view their role as one of saving lives and “doing no harm.” In my case I came to understand that there can be great harm and suffering for some patients and loved ones in the natural course of death from a particularly brutal disease like ALS.

If we truly want to avoid harm we should at least consider the compassionate option for patients to choose their own goodbye if the law allows it where they live.

From these thoughtful conversations I overcame my own misinformed assumptions about medical aid in dying and began to see the possibilities for greater love and less fear when people are allowed to choose for themselves how they want to end their lives. And yet it will remain a complicated issue that is not easy to navigate. Discussions like these need to continue across the country (and the world) as we strive to improve the care and options available when life is at an end.

I believe our focus should remain on providing the best possible comfort for everyone at the end of life and also meeting patients where they are. My father made a choice for ending his life that was not peaceful or without trauma and yet with compassion I grant him the grace of his chosen goodbye.

But I hope for others and their families we can help create opportunities for letting go of life that promote peace, love, and beauty whenever possible.

Share

Listen to the EOLU Podcast episode here.

Check out my book 7 Lessons for Living from the Dying to learn how my greatest trauma became an opportunity for spiritual growth; and my newest book Wild and Holy, which reveals how I finally came to terms with my devastating grief while traveling through Italy.

Humans have always been dreamers, imagining the future and hoping for good things to come. Even some cave paintings that date back to prehistoric times are thought by researchers to represent hopeful visions of a successful future hunt that would yield abundant food for survival.1 So there’s a long history of mankind recording dreams and goals in the form of pictures.

Today elite athletes frequently use a similar form of visualization to enhance performance in their sport. They mentally envision a run-through of the upcoming event and see themselves carrying out each step and task flawlessly. Research has shown that this type of mental practice is nearly as effective as actual physical training itself.2

More recently many people have begun creating vision boards, which consist of a collage of images, quotes, words, and small objects that represent their goals for the future. A survey of successful small business owners found that one in five had used a vision board as they were starting their business and 76% of them said they felt the board had helped them make their vision a reality.3

So if visualization and vision boards can help athletes and business owners, they might also be helpful in our daily lives as we look to the future and begin to plan our goals for later life. But first let’s understand the process better to make use of vision boards.

How vision boards work

Psychologist Barbara Nussbaum says that images and photos that relate to specific details of our goals help create a multisensory experience of the future we wish to see. As the brain “rehearses” these positive scenarios it forms pathways that make them more familiar and attainable for us.

But she says it is essential that the images on the board be tied to emotion because “emotions are the glue that connects us to what’s most important in our lives.” So vision boards that focus on how we want to feel in the future are the most effective.4

Vision boards and end of life planning

Most people avoid thinking about the end of life because they find it frightening or disturbing. Therefore they fail to make plans and put their wishes in writing because it feels too negative. But we know that beautiful images, such as those on a vision board, activate the right brain and stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system, which leads to the relaxation response. This stress-reducing effect can be very helpful when associated with thinking about the end of life and envisioning the future of our last days on earth.

Overcome the brain’s negativity bias

According to neuroscientist Rick Hanson, the brain has a preference for negative memories and emotions, which is a protective mechanism to help us avoid danger. He says it is necessary to intentionally supply the brain with multiple positive experiences and sensations in order to overcome the tightly held unhappy memories of the past.5 No wonder we avoid thinking about death: our memories related to it are most likely negative and painful and we have few positive emotions to balance them out.

So a vision board that contains beautiful images and soothing affirmations related to the end of life floods the brain with positive emotions that become associated with the process of dying. Reinforcing this connection repeatedly over time by looking at the board can gradually help diminish our fear of death and our negativity about the end of life.

Clarify goals

As we brainstorm the contents of our vision board we will become aware of the things that matter most to us in life. Thinking about the people we want near us, the environment we want surrounding us, and how we want to feel as we approach the end of life helps us clarify the most important details of that scenario. We can live with more focus and intention in our lives if we know what really matters to us and make our choices from that foundation.

Practice Death-positivity

Each time we view our end-of-life vision board we allow the brain to rehearse a future that is filled with beauty and positive experiences such as love, forgiveness, family, and joy. The old negative associations that had previously been attached to thoughts about the end of life will gradually lessen as these new positive feelings are strengthened. Over time our fear of dying will decrease and a feeling of ease will become more prominent.

Increase self-awareness

The process of selecting items for a vision board requires us to go within and truly understand our own wishes, desires, fears and motivations. This search helps us make decisions for the future that reflect our true purpose and meaning in life. Each day of life going forward is enhanced once we know ourselves that deeply.

Communicate our wishes to others

An end-of-life vision board can be shown to loved ones to help them understand what our wishes are for our last days. Rather than handing them a document to read, we can furnish them with a beautiful vision of what we want that will stir their emotions as well. This will help put them at ease so that conversation can flow with much less resistance. The vision board will also serve as a visual reminder to everyone of your wishes in the days to come.

Tips for creating a physical end-of-life vision board

• Gather materials such as a cork or poster board, pins or glue, scissors, magazines, newspapers, catalogues, photographs, postcards, greeting cards, poems, sayings, quotations, etc. You can also print pictures from the internet if you don’t have other sources for images.

• Write down your goals for the end of life: where do you want to be, who do you want to be with you, how do you want to be cared for, how do you want to feel, etc. This may take some time and thought.

• Find images and sayings that depict each of your goals in a beautiful and symbolic way. Choose items that stir your own emotions to be the most effective.

• Glue or pin each of the items to your board in any arrangement that is pleasing to you.

• Place the board where you will see it every day.

• Journal about the goals you have set and the action steps that will be necessary to make them a reality

Creating a digital vision board

If you’re not interested in creating a collage from magazines and newspapers you might enjoy creating a similar board digitally. You can use tools like Pinterest, Canva, or Google Slides and add your own photographs or use the Photo app on your phone to create an album. You could even gather quotes, music, or videos from the internet to complete your board.

When your vision board is completed you may feel motivated to complete or update your written advance directive. You will still need to have these forms available as legal documentation of your wishes. Revisit your board and your documents once a year so that you can make changes as needed.

Don’t worry about making your vision board perfect. Remember that the details you envision now for the end of life may not be what you actually desire when you reach that point since everything changes with time.

But you are reinforcing the positive feelings of peace, comfort, love and joy that you will definitely want to attain no matter what your circumstances are at the end of life. Focus on seeing the beauty and good in everything and you will make it a reality in your life.

For more than a century now modern society has been intentionally oblivious to the reality of death. When dying and death were removed from the home and every-day life by the increased availability of hospitals and funeral homes, it was relatively easy for us to push death out of our everyday awareness and make it a taboo subject. There was even a belief for a time that thinking about death could be pathological and destructive.

But now we know that death awareness—including thinking and reading about death—has positive benefits, thanks to research that has been done in recent years. An article1 by Kenneth Vail and colleagues from the University of Missouri includes a review of multiple studies on the impact of becoming aware of death and the findings are impressive:

Death awareness leads to increased helping behaviors.

People who had recently been reminded of death were more likely to help a stranger in need. In fact, increased death awareness correlated with an increase in positive factors like compassion, tolerance, and empathy.

When we understand that life is fleeting we tend to focus more on the things that really matter, which includes the wellbeing of others for many of us.

Those aware of death are more likely to care about the environment.

Again the understanding that life is fragile can lead us to care more about all of life, including the natural life that surrounds us and the life of our planet as well.

Those who do not deny that death is part of the cycle of life are more inclined to be careful with that life in all its forms.

Death awareness corresponds with compassion toward those from other groups.

Studies have shown that members of certain fundamentalist religious groups who experienced an increase in death awareness were more likely to exhibit compassion and tolerance toward those of other religions. Death is a great equalizer for humans who are all connected through our mortality and our experience of grief.

Peace becomes a more valued commodity when we recognize that our lives have a limited time frame.

Awareness of death leads to healthier behaviors.

It may seem obvious but studies have validated that people who are aware of their mortality tend to make better choices for their overall health. Quitting smoking, increasing exercise, doing breast self-exams, and even using sunscreens are all behavior changes that have been linked to death awareness.

We cherish life more when we know if won’t last forever.

The results of these studies show us that our entire society can benefit from getting out of denial and becoming more openly aware of death. In fact, it appears from this information that many of the problems that currently afflict humankind could be alleviated with better awareness of and education about death.

How books can increase death awareness

One of the ways to increase death awareness is through reading books that provide factual information about all aspects of the end of life. In addition inspiring stories about the end of life can help us see beyond our fears and get comfortable with the reality of death. Books have the capacity to take us outside our usual experience and expose us to new ideas that stretch our boundaries.

In addition, by reading the stories of others who are coping with mortality we learn that all of us face the same struggles as humans here on planet Earth. The challenges we share are far greater than the differences that exist between us.

How AI can help

1. Create a reading list – AI can recommend books based on topic, style, length, or genre and even put together a year-long curriculum of books to expand your overall awareness of death

2. Generate a study guide – you can use AI to create prompts for journaling or questions to guide you through each book

3. Offer tips for starting a book club – you may benefit from reading along with other people--either reading the same book or individual choices—in person on virtually. AI can help you get started and provide discussion prompts as you go.

4. Serve as a reading companion – you can confer with AI as you read for help with difficult emotions or existential themes you encounter or for additional information about death and dying that wasn’t covered in the book.

5. Suggest practices for death awareness – AI can extend the impact of a book by helping you develop small daily practices that keep you inspired and reflective.

6. Cross-referencing – AI can connect ideas in a book with broader wisdom traditions and their refelctions on mortality

7. Conversation preparation - AI can provide gentle ways to share insights from a book with others who are reluctant to talk about death.

8. Provide excerpts and passages – you can use AI to recall favorite quotes or passages from each book that may tie in with future books.

AI cannot teach us how to die, but it can help us reflect on what we read, overcome our resistance to death awareness, ask better questions, and apply what we learn to daily life.

Closing

James Baldwin wrote:

By reading books about death and dying we can increase our own death-awareness and prepare ourselves to be a source of information and inspiration for others.

Check out End-of-Life University Podcast for interviews with extraordinary authors who write about death and dying. And join A Year of Reading Dangerously Online Reading Group for monthly book recommendations.

Learn more about Dr. Wyatt’s books here.

We are undoubtedly living in a sorrowful world with war, polarization, economic distress, and uncertainty overwhelming us. But now that we are familiar with the depth and shape of sorrow we are ready to know kindness as well—and it may be the very thing that will save us.

In his research, psychologist Jonathan Haidt found that witnessing an act of kindness causes people to want to help someone else, donate to charity, volunteer their time, cooperate with and feel more connected to others. Acts of kindness increase empathy for others across differences in age, culture, class, and identity—and this is exactly the transformation we need right now.

The following episode from What Really Matters Podcast shows why kindness matters right now and how to practice simple acts of kindness on a daily basis.

After listening I hope you’ll be inspired to start your own Kindness Walk practice and begin noticing acts of kindness in the world around you every day.

Subscribe now

Also I am starting a “Kindness Basket” to collect real-life stories of kindness. So if you notice or participate in an act of kindness, I would love to hear about it. Small moments are welcome because often the smallest moments are the most meaningful.

You can message me from this post with your kindness story or send me an email at info@eoluniversity.com. Please include Kindness story on the subject line so I can find it.

May you find kindness everywhere you go!

Share

In previous posts I’ve written about becoming an elder and the minimalist approach to the end of life. Now I am turning to the “Bucket List” and why we may want to rethink it.

These days most of us have heard of a “bucket list” but the term didn’t become popular until a film by that same name first premiered in 2007. Focusing on the joy of living fully during one’s last days instead of on the tragic aspects of dying, the story centers around two main characters, Carter Chambers and Edward Cole who are both older men suffering with lung cancer and hospitalized in the same room for treatment.

The two men in the story eventually set off on a journey to fulfill their “Bucket Lists” of things they want to do before they “kick the bucket.” The idea of creating such a list took hold in general society and even in my hospice work at that time I heard patients referring to their own lists. Many of us have carried with us goals from our younger days—tasks to accomplish, places to visit, adventures to pursue—that seem essential to our purpose, to making meaning of our lives.

But I observed in my work with dying patients that the lists of “must-dos” they had created for themselves earlier in life no longer seemed important to them when they finally acknowledged their days were limited. Even in the film, Carter and Edmund end up coming home early when Carter realizes that what really matters to him is being with his loving family instead of traveling the world.

Why the Old List Fails

For many of us the list of goals we carry has been created over years of time and experience. It contains dreams we have postponed because we were too busy with career and family to pursue them. Youthful ambitions that we lacked the confidence or training to pursue might appear on this list, as well. We picture our future selves with adequate time, money, and expertise to travel anywhere and perform anything we have desired over time as we add items to the list in our minds.

But when we finally reach the “now or never” time in life where we begin to seriously think about our Bucket List, many things will have changed. We may have been diagnosed with unexpected illness, our living arrangements may not be the same, we may have lost family members, our career may have detoured onto a different path. We may not be able to carry out much of our list physically or emotionally in the way we had dreamed when we were younger.

The reality of impermanence—that nothing lasts and everything changes—can hit us hard as we age and begin to experience physical challenges. We might recognize that our Bucket List is no longer realistically achievable—or we may discover that what used to matter to us simply doesn’t carry the same importance it used to.

How this Threshold Changes Us

As we approach elderhood something shifts quietly within: our energy feels different, our desires change, and what once felt urgent may no longer seem essential. Our focus has turned inward more than outward as we take on a new role in life.

What arises for many of us at this stage of life is a wish to feel complete—not perfect, but whole. We long for healing of our relationships, for greater meaning in life, for peace and love and integration—just as Carter came to recognize in The Bucket List. Our old lists of hoped-for achievements doesn’t match this new, deeper longing.

My hospice patients often told me they no longer cared about accomplishments or success in life but they wished they had loved more—that was their greatest regret. They longed for forgiveness, being seen, expressing gratitude, and feeling at peace. None of these desires required international travel or a strenuous adventure. While not without emotional risk these goals could be pursued safely from home, from a rocking chair or hospital bed, with a hand to hold or with solitary contemplation.

The New Bucket List

In the film, Carter states that the Ancient Egyptians believed that each person had to answer two questions in order to get into heaven:

Have you found joy in life?

Has your life brought joy to others?

Those two questions form the basis for an excellent later-life Bucket List, which might include the following:

• someone I want to forgive or ask forgiveness from

• something I have not yet said that feels important

• gratitude I want to express

• love I want to make visible

• a story I want to tell or preserve

• something meaningful I want to pass on

• beauty I want to notice more fully

• time spent simply being present with others

• releasing an identity that no longer fits

• allowing others to care for me

• making peace with imperfection in my life

• becoming more honest about what matters most

Part of embracing elderhood and later life is to be willing to rethink the old Bucket List of our younger days and make peace with what is still possible and what may be calling to us now. In addition it is also wise to revisit our advance directives as we age, since our preferences for the end of life might have evolved over time. We want them to reflect the person we are becoming, not the person we once were.

A Word to the Young (and the Young-at-Heart)

There is a caveat in this message for all “Bucket Listers” who are not yet facing their final years. If there are things that truly call to you now —places you long to see, skills you want to develop, adventures that stir your spirit —do them now. Don’t postpone what matters to you in this season of life, because the truth is: your dreams will evolve.

The person you are at 30, 45, or 60 will not want exactly the same things at 80 or 90. That’s how we develop and grow. Life is not asking us to want the same things forever—it is inviting us to grow into deeper questions over time.

So follow the call of your present season. Just don’t assume that the list you make today will be the one that matters most at the end. We don’t have to figure out our entire life in advance. We only have to listen honestly to what matters in this season. Then listen again later. And again.

Closing Reflection

The New Bucket List reflects a developmental shift from becoming someone to being someone; from acquiringexperiences to integrating experience, from proving worth to expressing love.

Elderhood invites us to live with greater coherence between what we truly value and how we spend our time. The most meaningful things at the end of life are rarely the things we once imagined we needed to accomplish. They are often the quiet movements of the heart:

love spoken
forgiveness offered
gratitude expressed
presence shared

We may not need a longer Bucket List.

We may just need a more accurate one.

Download Prompts for Creating Your New Bucket List

Share

In recent years the minimalist lifestyle has been trending throughout the United States, particularly among the millennial generation. Unlike their parents who sought after material goods and wealth as part of “living the dream,” many younger people are choosing to live a simple lifestyle with fewer possessions, tiny homes, and less waste and consumption.

According to author Joshua Becker:

“Minimalism slows down life and frees us from this modern hysteria to live faster. It finds freedom to disengage. It seeks to keep only the essentials. It seeks to remove the frivolous and keep the significant. And in doing so, it values the intentional endeavors that add value to life.”

While minimalism provides a more relaxed and meaningful way of life to its youthful followers, this movement could also be an answer to today’s current healthcare crisis surrounding the end of life. With an emphasis on simplicity and intentionality, the guiding principles of minimalism provide a framework for changing our approach to the later years of life and the process of dying and death.

Here are some of those principles and how they might be applied to decision-making at the end of life:

Less is more

The current default mentality of our healthcare system seems to be “if some is good, then more is better.” A patient arriving in an emergency room anywhere in the country in the midst of a cardiac arrest will receive full-bore, defibrillated, intubated, catheterized, crash-cart care unless an advance directive and/or a healthcare proxy is available in the moment to refuse that care. And a cancer patient is likely to be offered treatment up until the last breath is taken, even when there has been no improvement from that treatment.

In this medical system more care will almost always be offered and carried out unless patients and their representatives are able to say “no” to that care. The patient’s best defense is to adopt the “less is more” mindset of minimalism and recognize that in many situations more care creates more side effects, more expense, more suffering, and more stress on patient and family.

Opting for less care can create space and time for enjoying moments with loved ones, contemplating what really matters in life and savoring the small pleasures that bring joy and meaning to existence. Less care can mean more quality of life if you approach it with intentionality and informed decision-making.

To be a “minimalist healthcare consumer” you must have an advanced directive that spells out your wish for less rather than more care. You must communicate this desire to your medical providers, your healthcare proxy and your loved ones.

But you also have to address your fear of suffering, aging, illness and death, because those fears can drive you to choose more care when faced with a crisis. Complete your paperwork but also do your inner work to confront your deep-seated and normal anxieties about the end of life so that you will be ready to face the natural passage from life to death.

You should also practice the “less is more” mindset during your later years by making careful decisions about the non-emergent healthcare you receive from your provider during routine office visits.

Eliminate the non-essential

Throughout your later years as you seek out medical care keep asking: “Is this essential?” Question every treatment or diagnostic test that is recommended to you and demand to know why it is necessary, how it might benefit you, and what could happen if you don’t do it. Don’t accept a procedure or test until you have had time to do your own research or get a second opinion. Some standard recommendations that have been accepted in the past such as the annual physical exam and routine screening procedures are now being questioned as they have been shown to result in over-diagnosis and excessive treatment.

If you take prescription medications ask if they are still necessary and if you can systematically discontinue some of them to see if they are helping or worsening your symptoms. Studies show that seniors who take multiple medications are more likely to experience negative side effects and even unnecessary death from the combination of potent drugs.

Find a primary care medical provider who agrees with your “less is more” philosophy and will help you create a sensible and simple plan for managing your healthcare needs. Don’t seek out specialty care unless your primary care provider says it is necessary. You have a right to say “no” to medical care and to find a practitioner who supports your right.

Individualism

While minimalism may be a trendy lifestyle with many people following the same guidelines, its principles encourage each person to find their own path to simplicity. As you begin to advocate for your individual philosophy of less medical care in later life it’s important to know yourself and seek out what is best for you.

Spend time thinking about the experiences of aging and dying that you may have witnessed with loved ones in the past:

What would you like to be different in your life?

How can you create a better path for yourself that reflects your unique wishes and desires?

For example, if you are a solitary person and prefer to live alone for as long possible then you will need family or community support to make sure you can safely stay in your own home as you age. If you enjoy social interactions with others you might choose to be in a senior living center in the future and you will need to provide for that option financially.

Get organized

One hallmark of minimalism is “keeping everything in its place.” This principle applies especially to your plans and paperwork for the end of life. Complete your estate plan, will, and advance directives and make sure those documents have been shared with the appropriate professionals and loved ones.

Decide what type of “less is more” funeral and burial or cremation you would like to have, perhaps a simple home funeral and green burial, and put those preferences in writing too. Keep your paperwork organized and accessible, including insurance forms, birth and marriage certificates, military discharge papers, titles, deeds, banking and investment information, online accounts and passwords, and medical records.

Live in the moment

A benefit of the minimalist approach is the ability to live lightly and with fewer burdens from the past and worries about the future. When you can live more fully in the present moment you are free to take in the small joys and pleasures that are available to you, like the beauty of a sunset, a bird singing outside your window, or the comforting aroma of dinner cooking on the stove.

However, living in the present moment takes work. You have to consciously let go of the past by giving away things you no longer need and making room for a new way of life. This applies to medical care at the end of life too—perhaps you will decide to discontinue treatments or procedures that have been part of your routine for a long time. Or you might part ways with a medical provider who doesn’t support your choice of a minimalist approach to the end of life.

As part of the medically minimalist lifestyle you will need to adjust to the normal changes of aging and learn to embrace them rather than seeking a medical solution to every ache and pain. Find modalities such as yoga, massage, relaxation, and imagery that can keep you comfortable without taking additional drugs. You may find that you receive positive “side benefits” from these practices rather than the negative side effects of many medications.

Prioritize what really matters to you

As Joshua Becker stated above, minimalism focuses on letting go of what is superficial and keeping those things in life that are significant. You have to determine what really matters to you in order to choose the components of your new less-is-more lifestyle.

This prioritization applies particularly to the non-tangible things like your relationships with loved ones and the time you spend with them. Would you prefer to stay in the community where you have lived for many years? Or would you consider moving to be closer to family as you age? These choices will play an important role as you let go of the complexities of the past and move toward a simpler way of life in the future.

No matter how old you are it’s never too early to start thinking about what is most important to you in life and making those things a priority. When you give your time and energy to the deeper and more significant aspects of life you will find it much easier to let go of all the things that don’t really matter to you.

Find Your Purpose

The key to successfully maintaining a minimalist lifestyle is recognizing that life has a greater purpose than just the accumulation of material possessions. When you know your own purpose you can make choices that support that purpose rather than interfere with it.

The healthcare decisions you make for yourself are important because your time, energy and finances can potentially be drained in later life if you pursue unlimited medical interventions in a quest to reverse aging and prevent death at all costs.

The minimalist approach reminds us that the purpose of life is not to live as long as possible, regardless of the circumstances, but to live a life of meaning and quality for as many days as we can.

Again, the emphasis is on the meaning and quality of life rather than on the quantity; another example of “less is more.”

AI and Minimalism

If you are comfortable using AI in a soulful, intentional way—as I advocate—then there are some interesting ways AI could be helpful as you streamline your lifestyle in later years of life:

1. Life Review and Meaning-Making: AI can help you preserve memories, stories, and lessons learned that you would like to pass on to others. It can also help with expressing gratitude or forgiveness and what matters most to you.

2. Writing Legacy Letters: AI can help you organize your thoughts and shape a heartfelt message for those you love.

3. Simplifying Digital Life: Decluttering is one of the key principles of minimalism and AI can help with digital information by organizing online accounts, drafting instructions for closing accounts, and creating a simple digital legacy plan.

4. Clarifying Values for Medical Decisions: AI can guide someone through reflective questions that clarify values before completing advance directives.

5. Practicing Difficult Conversations: People can rehearse conversations with AI before speaking to loved ones about end-of-life wishes.

6. Creating Simple Rituals: AI can help design small personal rituals like a letting-go ceremony while decluttering possessions, a gratitude ritual, or a plan for a simple memorial.

Conclusion

While minimalism as a lifestyle may not suit everyone, it may certainly be worthwhile to apply some of these minimalist principles to the later years of life as we contemplate how to make the most of our last days.

As a general rule if we focus on what is simple and has the greatest meaning for us we will be guided to make wise choices for the end of life that reduce stress, wastefulness and suffering from unwanted medical care.

You can start your minimalist approach right now no matter what situation exists for you in this moment.

Think of one thing in your life that you no longer need and let go of it today; then repeat that process each day from now on.

The more you practice living simply the easier it becomes as you free yourself from old burdens. Perhaps when you reach the end of your days you will arrive unencumbered, free to move on through the final passage with lightness and ease—that at least is the hope for all of us.

Check out my previous post on Becoming an Elder.

Listen to What Really Matters Podcast for Practices for Preparing for Elderhood

Share

For the past month I’ve been thinking a lot about how we mentor future generations to become death-aware and grief-literate. I believe it is our responsibility to hand what we have learned down to our children and grandchildren—even though we didn’t have such teachers available when we were younger.

I’ve written about using AI to help me talk to my 3-year-old granddaughter about death and grief among other things. And also how to become elders who share death wisdom with others as we consciously approach our own aging and dying.

Below you’ll find links to all my latest articles and podcast episodes! I hope you enjoy this content!

Find out some creative ideas for grandparenting little ones, especially on days when your energy is low.

Learn why we need to focus on conscious aging and embracing the role of the elder as we grow older.

Practices for Preparing for Elderhood

Learn some tips for becoming a wise elder as you age consciously.

Listen to the episode

Never Can Say Goodbye

Darnell Lamont Walker shared his powerful story about helping his grandmother care for sick and dying people from the time he was a boy. He grew up knowing how to be there for someone at the end of life and it proves to me that this is the kind of education everyone needs when they are young from a wise elder.

Listen to the full interview on EOLU Podcast.

Grief and the Widowed Mom

Krista St-Germain shared her story of being a widowed mom and helping her children through grief as she was grieving herself - another example of guiding young ones and teaching them about death. This is the most difficult work we can do but also the most important.

Listen to the full interview on EOLU Podcast.

Check out my latest book Wild and Holy!

If you appreciate what I create go to EOLUniversity.com/support to make a small contribution and keep the podcasts going. Be sure to subscribe to receive this summary newsletter in your inbox once a month or so.

Over the past two years I have awakened to the fact that I am growing older, largely because of the onset of a serious health problem. It should have been obvious to me that my chronological age has been advancing year after year but for some reason I lived in a world in my head where I felt much younger than my years—which seems to be true for many of us.

Watching my body falter and slow down a bit has been jarring to me because I have always considered myself physically strong and nearly invincible—and I hadn’t considered that my self-image might need to change one day. But here I am now, more humble and realistic as I admit that my body is changing so my mindset needs to evolve too.

As I scroll through social media it’s clear that I am not alone in the struggle to accept aging. Everywhere I look online I see posts about longevity and anti-aging that seem to judge and shame those of us who are not defying our chronology by looking and functioning like a much younger person (“70 is the new 50.”)

I’m all for optimism and positivity in life but we might need a collective reality check. We each inhabit a body that will one day die, no matter what potions we ingest or serums we inject or workouts we do. Some of us will die suddenly and unexpectedly but the rest of us will experience some sort of decline in physical abilities as we approach our final breath.

It’s a fact of life: coded into our DNA, written in the laws of the universe, and shared by every other living thing. We can cosmetically alter our appearance and surgically remake parts of our bodies but we cannot ultimately avoid physical death. That’s the truth that we fear the most on the ego level and it is the driver of the anti-aging movement.

Our society is addicted to youthfulness, productivity, and finding meaning through achievement. Aging is frightening because it often includes a decrease in the productivity we idolize and therefore a potential loss of meaning and relevance. But that’s where the problem lies:

What if the refusal of aging is also the refusal of spiritual growth?

What if aging consciously—becoming a wise elder for our communities—is actually the purpose of aging and the ultimate source of meaning in later life?

What is Elderhood?

Throughout history elders have been revered in indigenous societies for the special contribution they make in guiding younger generations through the challenges of life and in providing cohesiveness to the community as a whole. The archetype of the elder is rich with depth and meaning but in modern times has been viewed as a not-so-desirable role for us to play, particularly for women.

Here are some of the benefits traditionally provided by elders in society:

Memory Keepers

Elders carry genealogies, ancestral stories, migration histories, and traumas that were survived. In oral cultures memories were essential to keep the community intact and remind people who they were. Our awareness of death and grief and how to care for one another is part of the memory archive that should be handed down to younger generations by elders, but often this does not happen.

Threshold Guides

In many cultures elders guided others through birth, puberty rites, marriage, illness, death, and grief. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we continued that role today throughout our society?

Conflict Mediators

In tribal societies elders often settled disputes and reminded others of their shared community values. With long memories of the ups and downs of life and less reactive egos, elders were able to rise above the superficial issues and help others relate to one another with more compassion.

Pattern Recognizers

Again with the long view of life’s challenges elders are able to remind younger generations that these cycles and shifts have happened before … and we survived them. That simple reality can help steady others who feel unmoored by world events.

Grief Keepers

In many traditional cultures elders led communal mourning rituals and modeled healthy grieving practices for others. They ensured that losses were honored and made grief a shared experience rather than a solitary one.

Culture Preservers

Elders historically held the threads of culture and tradition, teaching others how to walk through life intentionally. They provided maps for younger generations to navigate change and preserved the past as a learning tool.

Story Tellers

By remembering the stories of the past and gathering the stories of today, elders preserved continuity for their communities and discerned which stories need to be shared at certain times. They taught values and insights through the legends they carried and formed a bridge between the living and the dead.

This is the societal wisdom we lose if we don’t embrace the role of elderhood.

The Cultural Threat

We are living in unprecedented times when medicine and technology have made unimaginable strides toward extending life. We are living longer lives and also experiencing more ease in our lives since we have tools and conveniences that help make life pleasant.

We have overcome many of the health issues that used to result in death at a much younger age, which promotes that sense of invincibility that I have been fooled by myself. Through the internet and social media we are bombarded with images and stories of youth and vitality.

When we do see references to older people it is often in the context of how they overcame natural aging and accomplished an amazing feat, or we see images of old people who are miserable, depressed, lonely, and suffering. No wonder we fear growing older!

There is a shortage of positive elder role models made visible to us in the online world where we spend much of our time. Certainly there are vibrant, thriving seniors who are becoming elders for their families and communities but they are not often featured in platforms online or honored for the wisdom they bring to the world.

But nonetheless, we need more older people in our society who embrace the role of elder and have no qualms about admitting they are experiencing physical changes—and can even celebrate that fact.

How Do We Cross Into Elderhood?

Elderhood is a stage in development that must be intentionally cultivated. Simply living a long time does not result in elder consciousness—it requires awareness and a certain amount of spiritual work. Some of us might live to be 100 but may never be ready for elderhood—others may function as elders at a much younger age.

Deathwork is actually perfect preparation for elderhood since many of the functions of elders focus on illness, loss, death, and grief. There are many younger people who have trained as death doulas who are on the path to become the elders we desperately need.

But if you are on the threshold of later life and want to cultivate your own elderhood here are some things to work on now to prepare yourself:

1. Have an inner life – it is important to be able to reflect on your own emotions, memories, thoughts, and life experiences in order to glean wisdom from your existence. Meditation, contemplation, prayer, and journaling are all practices you can use to strengthen your inner self.

2. Live in the present moment – but carry the past and its lessons with you as you move toward the future. Everything that matters in life like love and joy can only be experienced in the here and now. So stop trying to relive the past and hold onto a younger version of yourself. Look in the mirror of present time and be honest with yourself.

3. Soften your goals and dreams for the future – the more you try to force an old agenda into a new stage of life the more you will feel stuck and unable to grow. Carry your expectations for your life lightly as you take count of where you are right now. Becoming an elder is a new path and some of your old ways of thinking may need to evolve.

4. Focus on depth rather than quantity – the work of an elder is to maintain the deep structures—the roots—of society, and this will require you to slow down at times, to sit with your discomfort and uncertainty, and to let go of how things used to be so that you can give your strength to what exists in this present moment.

5. Find equanimity as often as possible – don’t waste your energy on the highs and lows but instead find joy in what lasts … like love.

6. Remember that nothing lasts and everything changes – let this become your new mantra and not a reality to fear but one to cherish.

7. Stop trying to impress or please other people – elders are truth-tellers and often are not popular for that reason. Be radically true to yourself and the greater good of all.

8. Hold fast to true relationships – and allow the inauthentic ones to gradually slip away.

What Role Could AI Play in Elderhood?

While AI has been optimized for our youth-oriented, fast-paced, materialistic, and hyper-productive society, you may be surprised to learn that it can also be helpful when we slow down and go deep into our elderhood.

Here are some specific ways AI could be a collaborator on this journey:

1. Memory Companion – AI can help us record and organize stories from the past that need to be saved and retold in the future. It can preserve our written thoughts, wisdom, and reflections so that they are not lost with the passage of time

2. Cultural translator – AI can help us stay up-to-date with new trends and emerging language so that our stories remain relevant for younger people in this world of rapidly changing technology.

3. Reflective Mirror – we often talk about AI being a mirror for us and in this case it can be a mirror that helps us clarify our insights and integrate the wisdom we are acquiring by simply living the life we have been given.

4. Creative Partner – AI can help us with storytelling, writing and editing narratives, poetry and other forms of creativity as a tool in service of elder consciousness and not a substitute for it.

As always we have to use discernment and caution with AI, which cannot replace actual life experience, shadow work, or help us mature. Our elderhood must be integrated and embodied through the inner work we do—AI can help us document, refine, and transmit the wisdom we acquire.

Closing

In a culture that worships youth, becoming an elder is an act of rebellion.

The truth is—if you don’t die young, you’re going to get older no matter what you do. You might as well make the most of it—wear the wild clothes you’ve always admired, put flowers in your hair, get comfortable with death, and share all the beauty and the pain that life has taught you on your journey so far.

The world needs our elderhood desperately—in fact, it might be our only hope.

Listen to the latest episode of What Really Matters Podcast for some practices to help you prepare for elderhood.

If you’ve read any of my earlier posts you know that I am exploring various ways of utilizing AI (specifically ChatGPT) in a soulful manner to enhance spiritual growth without outsourcing it. In these posts I’ve included many examples of ways it has benefitted me to use AI as a companion on this journey.

But recently I’ve discovered that AI is helpful in another part of my life—my role as a grandmother. My children and grandchildren have been living in a shared space with me for several months now, including my 3-year-old granddaughter. We spend a lot of our time playing and talking together, which has been delightful but also exhausting on certain days.

One day my granddaughter asked me why ladybugs have spots and I was a bit challenged to come up with an answer that would make sense to a 3-year-old. When I hesitated at first she said, “Why don’t you ask ChatGPT?”

I was stunned to hear her say that and wondered how she even knew about ChatGPT. But then I realized that all the adults in the family mention that name frequently when we talk about where we got the recipe for tonight’s dinner, or how we figured out how to fix the broken lock on the bathroom door, or what we had learned about food allergies, or book recommendations, or travel ideas.

Without intending it ChatGPT had become a fixture in our daily lives that the 3-year-old acknowledged—much like an invisible “friend” that we adults conversed with every day. So of course, why not ask Chat why ladybugs have spots and request an answer appropriate for her age. I did that and received an answer that she loved, which led us to a series of delightful Why? questions for several more minutes.

What AI Can Offer in the Grandparent-Child Space

Not only has AI given me ideas in the moment to rescue playtime, but I have been inspired to be more creative myself. Here are some of the ways I have utilized AI while caring for my grandchildren:

Suggesting creative games

When my granddaughter was home from preschool with a respiratory virus we spent the day on the couch together since I was also sick that day. While trying to think of creative ways to stay entertained without resorting to a screen I asked ChatGPT for ideas for games we could play from the couch while sick.

In response I got 10 ideas for simple fun games we could play together with minimal effort and just a few toys like doll hospital, princess tea party, acting out emotions with our facial expressions, and a “cooking class” all on the couch. We had so much fun together that we were inspired to keep creating our own version of couch games and she has asked to repeat that play activity several times since.

In addition AI gave me several ideas for parallel play when I’m caring for both a preschooler and a toddler, who don’t always see eye-to-eye about sharing toys. These games started with a story that inspired age-appropriate play for each child while I sat in the middle and interacted with both of them. We managed to have a peaceful playtime together and avoid some of the fighting that can occur between siblings.

Designing a treasure hunt

Over holiday break when we were looking for an alternative to watching movies in the evening, ChatGPT created a “princess treasure hunt” where each princess hid a special “gift” for my granddaughter somewhere in the house. We turned the lights low and she used her own little flashlight to find the gifts—all of which were simple household items suggested by Chat. She loved this game so much that we repeated it every night for the next week.

Bedtime stories

When we had read all of our books multiple times we were longing for some different stories to read at bedtime. ChatGPT created new age-appropriate stories after my granddaughter suggested which characters and what setting to include (like Elsa and Anna go to Disneyland.) We still added our own chapters to these stories and used our own imaginations, but the AI story helped inspire our creativity.

Answering difficult questions

In our conversations many questions arise—which is a superpower of 3-year-olds who always want to know “why.” AI has helped me formulate age-appropriate answers for everything from why does the sun go down at night to how does FaceTime work to what happened to Anna and Elsa’s parents in Frozen.

My granddaughter and I have talked about love and death and grief together after ChatGPT helped me find the best words to use for her age. These were lovely conversations and they have led to ongoing questions about life since I now feel more knowledgeable about how to form helpful answers for her.

Movie summaries

At times my granddaughter has questions about scenes she sees in movies that are not familiar to me. I have been able to get a quick summary of the movie from AI so that I can actually discuss it with her instead of just saying “I don’t know.”

Healthy snack ideas

Of course this is an obvious idea that many grandparents are probably already using. But I’ve had fun giving ChatGPT a list of healthy ingredients I have on hand and asking for snacks I can create in the moment, or that my granddaughter can help me make (perhaps in one of our cooking classes on the couch.)

Understanding developmental stages

From my medical training I know a little about developmental stages but AI has been very helpful in explaining to me how best to handle a temper tantrum, angry outburst, or emotional overwhelm. I feel more confident now with the toddler and preschool stages and their underlying emotional needs.

Translating slang words

When the 3-year-old came home from preschool saying “6-7” one day (she learned it from a classmate with older siblings) I realized that grandparents need a glossary of the latest slang words used by tweens and teens, like skibidi, rizz, and mid. Our communication will be improved if we understand some of these terms and what they mean—though I have already been warned not to use them myself in conversation. Best to let the kids keep their own special language for themselves as part of their development.

Cautions and Concerns

AI is a new tool that we are still exploring and getting to know. Children will learn from our behavior so how we interact with this tool around them is important. As always AI must be used with discernment, especially when working with children, so set some ground rules for yourself and your family.

• Remember: your grandchildren need your wisdom so prioritize sharing your own thoughts, stories, play ideas, and companionship

• Explain how and why you use AI in a conscientious manner

• Think of AI as a jumpstart for imagination and not a replacement for your presence and attention

• Use it sparingly in special situations (like illness or exhaustion)

• Consult AI for ideas before your caregiving shift so your attention won’t be interrupted by using technology

• Don’t use AI to eliminate boredom, which is often fertile ground for creativity

Remember that our children and grandchildren are watching how and when we use AI. By making it part of our lives now we can stay relevant and up-to-date with the world they will inherit. Rather than run from AI out of fear if we embrace it and learn how to use it soulfully we can help influence the attitudes of future generations.

We are living through what many have called a historic era of transformation, when everything is shifting and the way forward is not clear. We may feel personally and collectively unsettled as things that once seemed to make sense no longer do. The usual guideposts we have relied upon during challenging times are not visible to us and we are surrounded by chaos, noise, anger, and hatred.

But this time that we are living through is pivotal. We don’t know the outcome yet and our future is uncertain but we understand that this phase civilization is experiencing together right now will change everything. And we can rest assured that “This too shall pass.” There will one day be something new that will arise.

For now we recognize that something is unraveling—both inside us and around us—and it is essential that we learn how to keep standing in the midst of it.

A Framework: Order, Disorder, Reorder

Father Richard Rohr, a Franciscan Friar, teaches that there is a simple map that can guide us through times of upheaval and transformation. Understanding the three stages he teaches may help us as we find our way through this season of change:

Order

Disorder

Reorder

This is not a linear self-help formula, it is a spiritual rhythm that we can find in personal growth, human development, spiritual traditions, and nature itself.

Everything that grows can be seen as passing through these three movements. And it happens that humankind is currently experiencing a time of Disorder, which is the most difficult phase to navigate. Let’s take a look at each of the stages:

Order: When the World Makes Sense

Order describes a time of relative calmness when there are structures, roles, and rules that seem to work. It’s a time of stability, growth, and clarity.

Summer is the season in nature that correlates with Order. Growth is visible everywhere, life hums, daylight is long in the northern hemisphere, energy is palpable, and there is a sense of coherence and productivity. Systems seem to work well together.

During this season of Order we build new structures, bring in the early harvest and fruits of our labor. There is time to take a breath and life seems to make sense. We may have a certain amount of stability in our employment, housing, relationships, and spiritual beliefs as the usual ups and downs of life seem to level off for a brief amount of time.

Our times of Order allow us to rest just a bit from the struggles of life. But they are actually preparing us for what comes next.

Disorder: When Things Begin to Unravel

Disorder is the state that naturally occurs after the reliable structures of the previous stage begin to crumble—when the old rules stop working and our previous identity no longer fits. This unraveling is a necessary part of evolution when the safe containers we built in the past can no longer contain the new growth we have experienced. In nature the seasons of Autumn and Winter together represent this stage of Disorder:

• During Autumn the unraveling first begins: leaves fall, energy begins to turn inward, and there is a letting go of what thrived and provided safety in the past.

• Winter brings a period of dormancy and death, where grief is pervasive, loss is heavy, confusion predominates, and waiting is necessary.

In times of Disorder our personal lives are “shaken up” by loss, grief, instability, doubt, isolation, absence of clarity, and a lack of safety. We can’t see where we are headed and don’t know how the future will unfold.

Similarly Disorder occurs for societies and civilizations. We lose trust in the systems and leaders that served us before. Underlying hypocrisy and lack of integrity are revealed. Polarization occurs because there are no certain answers as everyone struggles to redefine what is true.

However, Winter is essential for plant growth because it provides a deep rest period and allows roots to grow and seeds to germinate. Without this season there could be no Spring.

Reorder: Trusting What Has Not Yet Arrived

The stage of Reorder, like Spring, arrives on its own time schedule, gradually bringing more light and clarity, resulting in the budding of those seeds that lay buried throughout Winter. The reordered world always differs from what was before—going through the process of Disorder is meant to change everything—but we cannot imagine what it will be like until it unfolds.

Though we are in a rush to get back to a place of certainty, we can’t control when the emergence of Reorder occurs. Patience is essential as we wait in the Winter season for the first hint of sunlight and new growth. We cannot skip over a single moment of Disorder—all of it is necessary—so we need to learn how to cope with loss and the breakdown of what we once depended upon.

Presence is a necessary skill for navigating a time of Disorder, along with compassion and humility. There is hope, while we wait for this stage to pass, that the re-ordering of our world will bring higher consciousness with greater integrity, accountability, peace, and—most importantly—love.

A Grounding Practice for Times of Disorder

We need simple rituals right now that we can turn to when situations overwhelm us, when we are exhausted from all the outrage in the world, when we simply wonder what to do next. Here is a 5-minute practice to help us return to our own higher consciousness:

1. Name the phase:

This is Disorder.

We are going through a natural process as part of growth.

2. Come to the body:

Place one hand over your heart

Take three slow breaths noticing the weight of your hand and the rise and fall of the chest underneath it.

3. Consider one question:

What is being asked of me right now?

Contemplate this until you envision one small thing that is needed now—perhaps rest is of most importance.

4. Release the need for answers

Let go of expectations like trees releasing their leaves in Autumn; nurture seeds that have yet to sprout by caring for your body.

5. Mark the closing

Reach your arms and hands up above your head like the branches of a tree; shake your hands gently to release old energy; bring them gently together in front of your heart.

Express gratitude for this season of change.

Impermanence: Nothing Lasts. Everything Changes.

As we traverse this long Winter season of Disorder it may help to remember that everything—even destruction, degradation, hatred, and despair—comes to an end eventually. Spring always follows Winter even in times of climate distress. Love always prevails over fear and cruelty.

We can support the coming changes by bearing witness to the suffering that is manifesting now and not crumbling beneath the weight of it, but holding space with courage for all the seeds that are waiting to bloom one day.

By staying within our own higher consciousness even when it feels cloudy, we maintain the powerful presence of love that will soon overcome the darkness.

Remember that Disorder is a necessary step before transformation—keep your heart and mind open, practice compassion for ALL beings, and cultivate patience as we wait together for Spring to arrive.

Subscribe and follow for more posts like this as we navigate this era of change together. Check out What Really Matters Podcast and my latest book Wild and Holy: A Journey Through Grief, Guilt, and Grace in Italy.

Looking back there is no doubt that the defining crossroads of my life occurred in my early thirties when my father ended his own life. I’ve spent all of my adult life navigating the twists and turns of grief that have ensued and still have not come to the end of this exploration. Everything I am today has been shaped by this pivotal event along with everything I have accomplished—or failed to accomplish—since that fateful day.

It may seem that I exaggerate the importance of a single death in my life, but that choice of suicide by my father shattered my belief system, the very foundation of my identity, and I have been reconstructing and piecing myself together since then. But it has been a deep and fruitful journey and though I wish his life had ended differently I am grateful for even the shattering and the pain that have come my way. I see the full tapestry of life clearly—no one escapes the pain, the grief, the loss.

I write about what has been true for me on this journey—knowing that some people will disagree or say I am wrong. Even the word “journey” when associated with grief is triggering for some. But this is what I have experienced, whether or not anyone else sees life and grief through this same lens. I share this not to convince anyone that my perspective is “right”—only to express what has come to me over many years.

This is the view from the Third Path—not a path defined by denial or despair—but a path that holds sorrow and joy together, pain and purpose in the same breath, loss and growth in a single blink of an eye. The Third Path holds all of what we argue to be true on opposite sides of a disagreement; it carries all perspectives and integrates them together, finding a proper place for every experience.

The Third Path is where we are being challenged to walk into the future—together for the good of the whole. But we are struggling to follow it. Here are three lessons I have gleaned from my travels.

Meaning Emerges When We Don’t Expect to Find It

From the moment I learned of my father’s death I was struck with a penetrating question so painful I could not bear to contemplate it—what does this mean? What did his life mean if he chose to end it?

There were countless religious advisors who showed up to assign their own condemnatory meaning to suicide; and an equal number of grief “coaches” over the years who assured me that suicide is meaningless and should never be assigned a reason or explanation. But none of that rang true for me.

I have carried the unanswered questions of my father’s death in my heart for all of my life and I know I will never fathom the meaning of suicide for him and his life. But over the years a semblance of meaning for my own life has begun to emerge.

My life path shifted dramatically from family medicine to hospice care—from the exam room, seeking answers and treatment paths—to the bedside, sitting in the deep presence of mystery and the unknown.

My heart was cracked open to reveal old patterns of guilt and self-blame that gradually failed me until I could see the beauty of being a flawed human.

My compassion for my father and all who suffer greatly with the burdens of this world overflowed while I learned to surround each broken heart with lovingkindness.

On a bridge across the Arno River in Italy I felt the depths of gratitude for life itself with all its confusing, conflicting, impossible messages, including my own losses and the longing that still haunts me.

Meaning has found me after my father’s death—I did not seek to find or create it. No one can assign or remove meaning from any event of your life, including your grief. Allow life to unfold on its own terms and to show you what it holds for you.

Words are Powerful

For years after my father’s death I found myself unable to say the word “suicide.” I didn’t understand why but I simply could not say it and could barely allow its syllables to come to mind. The word itself caused me unspeakable pain and so I removed it from my vocabulary for a while.

Gradually the pain lessened and I could use direct language about my father’s death, but it took several years to get there. Is that strange? Or is it normal that certain powerful words carry piercing, sharp energy that can cut us to shreds?

Recently I have witnessed a debate over the use of euphemisms for death and I see how we avoid or soften the reality of our own demise by tempering the language, by choosing words that we can bear at the time. And I have compassion for all who are torn apart by a simple word that they are not yet used to saying and hearing about someone they love.

I understand the need for a mantle of protection from such words and I don’t blame those who find comfort in euphemisms. Many alternative words for death and dying are cultural, religious, historical, or familial and they bring comfort in their own way because of the legacy they carry.

While medically we don’t want to miss an opportunity to talk honestly about death by cloaking it in vague terms, we also don’t want to expose those who are hurting to words they cannot yet bear.

We can allow space for euphemisms because they do not always mean denial. Sometimes they are the heart’s way of approaching pain slowly. That was true for me … and may be true for others as well.

Grief Support Means Different Things to Different People

I am an introvert and a loner and I always have been. I prefer solitude to being in groups of people. I find comfort in quiet, still times and I am never lonely. This was also true during the depths of my grief.

While I appreciated an occasional show of support from a friend, I did not long for other people to show up at my door unannounced, dropping off groceries or flowers. I did not want to have conversations about my father, to hear other people tell me his name, to be asked for stories about his life. My grief was personal and deep and no one else could possibly understand all the ramifications of that devastating loss—and I certainly did not want to have to try to explain that to anyone.

I bristle even now when I see recommendations for how to show up for someone who is grieving. This is because they often fail to ask—does this person even want people to show up? There is no consideration for those of us who need silence and alone-time to process our own emotions.

I realize there are few people out there like me who prefer solitude. But it’s important to acknowledge that it’s okay to need something different than the average griever. And that we should at least allow for those individual differences. Be willing to follow the griever’s lead, even when it doesn’t match up to your expectations.

I also understood during all the years of my grief that not everyone is able to be present and supportive when deep pain is present. Some people don’t possess the emotional experience or bandwidth to show up as a supporter for a grieving friend—and some are grieving themselves over losses they may barely recognize.

We judge those who fail to be there as poor quality friends who are causing harm. But what if they are doing the best they can on their own life trajectories? What if grief-literacy has eluded them so far? What if they simply can’t bear up under the challenge of being a support person?

Again there is a need for compassion for everyone. Granted, the grieving person isn’t asked to take care of or make excuses for their friends and family emotionally. But a person’s capacity to show up during difficult times of life is not a measure of their love or goodness and shouldn’t be judged as such. Capacity for caring depends on prior emotional experience, nervous system resilience, current life stressors, unprocessed grief of their own, and sometimes sheer timing.

Grief reveals not only who is able to show up, but also who cannot. And it uncovers who needs to be surrounded by support and who needs solitude in order to navigate the pain.

All of these differences require sensitivity, freedom from judgment and preconceived ideas of what is right or wrong in grief, and deep listening and attunement to the one who is grieving. This can be tricky territory and no one is expected to be perfect. We sometimes fumble around in the darkness together as we figure out how to help one another and get through hard times.

Finding a Third Path

When we resist telling another person how they should grieve—whether with support from others or alone; by wandering without a map or recognizing defined stages in their grief—we are following the Third Path. We listen and tune in, we set aside our own opinions and experiences, we come closer or further away as needed, we try our best, and we make mistakes

When we honor whatever meaning or lack of meaning a griever finds in the death of their loved one we are on the Third Path. Our minds remain open and we witness each person’s unique path through loss.

When we listen for the words that bring comfort to those who grieve and make space for that language rather than judging it we are on the Third Path. Everyone should be free to choose their own words for death and to evolve and change those words on their own timeline as they go through life.

When we encounter with compassion those who are unable to offer support to a grieving friend—even when they truly wish they were able to do so—we are on the Third Path. We understand that not everyone is ready or prepared for the situations they find themselves in.

The Third Path as a Lighthouse

It’s important to understand that the Third Path is not prescriptive or well-defined—it is a path that only exists with each step you take upon it. The Third Path arises each time you face a crossroads of two divergent ways of seeing life and choose neither of them. The Third Path is a choice to carry both perspectives and proceed through the middle, holding the truth that there is never just one way to approach life.

Refusing to be divided by polarities, the Third Path finds a better way—the way of peace and of love.

So I cannot show you your Third Path, I can only describe my own for you—the path that has arisen throughout my life as I wandered through loss, grief, confusion, and broken-heartedness.

In this way my path can become a lantern that shines a little light in the midst of stormy darkness. May it help you see your own path and find the next right step for your own life. The lantern illuminates but it doesn’t rescue and it doesn’t stop the storm.

May you see your way more clearly and be inspired to take whatever step is best for you on your own journey from ego to Soul.

And may you shine your own light as you find your way.

In my latest book Wild and Holy I wrote about the magnificent cathedral in Florence, the Duomo, with its impossible self-supporting dome that was a miraculous achievement for the time in which it was constructed. But that structure took 142 years to build—unthinkable in this modern era where some buildings are completed rapidly—like Mini Sky City, a 57-story skyscraper in China, which took just 19 days to build.

Speed is valued today in all lines of work and our wholehearted embrace of AI into our daily lives is evidence of our love for quick answers and outcomes. AI allows us unlimited shortcuts for thinking and creative tasks, work productivity, household organization, and finding information on any topic imaginable. We have much to gain from AI but what might we be losing?

Imagine being the architects and artisans working on the Duomo over the course of their own lifetimes, knowing they would never see the finished result; creating a vision for the future without an assurance that it would ever fully materialize; investing everything into a project with no end in sight.

Indian philosopher and poet Rabindrinath Tagore wrote:

“The one who plants trees, knowing that he will never sit in their shade, has at least started to understand the meaning of life.”

There is something remarkable and even sacred about being able to toil in the present moment to ensure that the world will be a better place in the future. That is the meaning of life we are meant to understand but may be overlooking in this age of speed.

Spiritual Growth as Long-Game Work

In my own life I have observed that every book I’ve written has taken at least 10 years to complete—and sometimes more. I can attest that this is not a path toward financial success as an authors. But it is how the words came to me … slowly … with a lot of time for reflection, growth, and integration of all I had learned.

Even though we may experience sudden moments of transformation and states of enlightenment, authentic spiritual growth unfolds over decades. We can spend many years just preparing the ground for seeds that will be planted much later. This preparatory work inevitably requires going deep within to look at past history, old wounds, ancestral trauma, societal indoctrination.

It’s not glamorous work and certainly not fast. There are no shortcuts to spiritual growth though many teachers may try to sell that possibility. In our society quick fixes sell … long slogs through old memories and pain do not. But don’t be fooled by marketing messages that promise to put an end to all your suffering instantly.

If you put in the time and inner work that spiritual evolution requires you will be rewarded one day with a deeper understanding of the true meaning of life—that love is the inspiration and the creator of life; that peace and contentment arrive on the challenging path of love that embraces suffering rather than erases it.

From Ego to Soul

The true journey of transformation involves awakening to higher consciousness while simultaneously learning to manage the drives of the ego. This is not a binary choice but a Third Path: integrating higher consciousness with lower consciousness—the body/mind/ego—so that the higher self is in charge.

On this path the ego is never eliminated or ignored, but it is fully identified and understood so that it can no longer hijack our choices, insights, and higher guidance.

The tools of the ego are fear and greed—fear of anything potentially negative or painful that could bring harm to the self. The ego’s function is protection and it fears nothing more than the unknown, particularly death. So the ego guards our wounds in the depths of Shadow where we are unable to perceive them until we intentionally begin an inner exploration.

Greed is also a tool of protection for the ego—accumulating as much as possible to cushion against any form of loss or deprivation that life might bring.

Look anywhere in our society and you will see these tools—greed and fear—as tactics of sales and marketing, the stock market, the healthcare system, social media. We are being told we need to acquire more of just the “right” products in order to not miss out or be rejected by “the popular group” or develop a disease or look foolish or fail to measure up to social standards.

The ego hosts our anxiety, depression, and neuroses and leads us down false paths of pseudo-rewards on a regular basis.

But the Soul—our higher consciousness—knows we are part of something far greater than this one little lifetime driven by one small ego. The Soul knows the power of love and uses it as a guiding light—every choice, every tiny step, every word spoken becomes inspired by love. What will bring more love to the world? What would love do? What is my most loving option?

The Third Path—or the journey from being ego-driven to Soul-guided—is the slow path that can help us find a place of integration, where love is what really matters.

Integration Over Insight

When we over-analyze and over-intellectualize our own lives we may be able to come up with lots of insights—and AI can actually be a helpful partner as we look at our lives and stories. But insight alone is not enough. Soul integration requires lived experience on a day-to-day basis.

In a similar way you can study books and courses about being a death doula but you will never know what it feels like to hold the hand of a dying person until you put in the time and work to gain that real experience. You can learn what transformation might feel like by reading about it but you cannot make it happen until you live your life fully and consciously in every moment possible.

The Duomo was built over time by people who put in their expertise and care and vision without a promise of reward. Spiritual transformation takes that kind of dedication too.

The Third Path and AI

Again, AI has the potential to help us bypass the Third Path altogether—at blinding speed—if we use it without consciousness. But the point is to find a way to make AI work with our integration project rather than against it.

In a blog post Daniel Miessler warns us to “keep the robots out of the gym”—meaning use AI for the heavy lifting of day-to-day chores, but do your own lifting at the gym where the purpose of the activity is to get stronger.

For our integration work this means let AI teach you about spiritual concepts and how growth and healing might happen, but recognize that your inner work cannot be done by AI. Here are some ideas for utilizing AI as you explore your own lower consciousness:

Clarify questions – ask AI to help you see yourself more clearly

Recognize surface patterns – ask AI to point out your tendencies to hide your true self

Identify ego dynamics that seem to be operative in your work

Mirror your own language back to you so you can see yourself more clearly

Share stories of transformation from wisdom traditions

But ultimately AI cannot make higher decisions for you, reflect in your journal for you, help you surrender to life as it is, love the body you have, endure not-knowing, keep vigil in suffering. All of those important facets of growth are up to you and the work you put in for yourself.

The key is to continue to use AI … but don’t lose yourself while using it. Let AI become part of the container you build for yourself that supports your growth in every way possible.

Planting What we May Not See

Finally what the world needs from us right now is the dedication of a cathedral-builder rather than the speed of a pre-fab high-rise company.

Focus your energy on slow, conscious growth.

Till the soil and prepare the ground of your life.

Plant seeds even if you’ll never see them grow.

Bring your creativity to life—whatever it may consist of—without apology or self-consciousness.

Remember—always—that love is what really matters, no matter how much hatred you see around you. Hatred is a product of ego’s fear and greed. Hatred talks loud and generates endless fear.

But love always overpowers hatred in the long run. We are here for the long run.

We have love on our side. We have the entire universe on our side (which arises from the creative force of love.)

Let’s join hands on this slow path. Step-by-step … stone-by-stone … we can begin to build a cathedral of love for generations to come.

Follow for more posts about The Journey from Ego to Soul and listen to What Really Matters podcast.

Introduction:

Looking back at life now I can see that there have been many paths that unfolded for me—some detours, some mysterious openings, some tragedies that ended up changing everything. For me it was my father’s death by suicide that broke everything apart and eventually led me to a new path.

Before he died I followed a shining path of light—believing in the healing power of love and seeing only the joyful aspect of love. His death shattered that illusion for me because I loved him with all my heart and couldn’t heal or save him. I lost my belief in love and my own identity for a time. Who was I as a person—or a doctor—without my previous foundational belief system?

I sank into numbness because it was the only way I could function—but I was avoiding the pain of grief with no “love and light” to sustain me through it. That was my time of darkness when everything fell apart. I couldn’t see the path at all and wondered if I would wander forever.

A new way or Third Path finally emerged for me when I started doing hospice work--where I could sit in the midst of grief and loss with other people and gradually reclaim my own grief, while also re-discovering the power of deep love.

I finally could see that love and grief travel together on the Third Path and learned to carry them both at once. The Third Path isn’t light or dark—it is both, integrated together.

The Two Paths of the Ego

There are two common paths in the binary world, both of which I walked for a time.

The first is the Ascending Path, where a great many spiritual seekers dwell. On this path there is a focus on positivity, ascension, enlightenment, and awakening but without the inner work—and falling apart—that is necessary before spiritual wisdom can actually emerge. On this path the reality of death is ignored and pain and suffering are bypassed for as long as possible. I lived for years with my belief that love would cure any suffering and bypass any negative outcome.

The second is the Descending Path—sinking into numbness and overwork in an attempt to avoid the suffering deep within. Once again because the pain of our mortality is so difficult to bear, the ego chooses to bypass it by “flooding the zone” with to-do lists, obligations, time-consuming busy-work, and activities that allow no space for grief. On this path we may be oblivious to higher wisdom or choose to ignore it. This descending path became my way of coping with my own grief and guilt.

Both of these paths are survival strategies of the ego, which is terrified of falling apart and facing mortality. But both paths are ultimately unsustainable. Eventually all our efforts to stay focused on Ascending or Descending will fail us. They collapse because they are both partial and leave out an essential aspect of our humanity—the deep grief that is the companion of love and the darkness that is necessary for the light to be visible.

In our binary and bipolar society we weave back and forth between these two paths of the ego.

• In our attempt to heal we may focus on positive thinking, affirmations, manifestation, and avoiding negative energy (Ascending path). Or we may view ourselves as victims of trauma and seek to hold others accountable for our suffering before we can begin to heal (Descending path.)

• In our work to change the world we may operate from idealism or utopian views of the future (Ascending) or spiral into rage, despair, and burnout over the current situation (Descending.)

• In mortality awareness we may focus primarily on the afterlife and negate the reality of death (Ascending) or we may feel hopeless because a life that ends seems to have no meaning (Descending.)

What is the Third Path?

The Third Path is a way forward that opens only after our old maps and belief systems collapse. It’s not a path we can consciously choose or strategize—it arises from our suffering when life seems to have fallen apart and the usual paths turn out to be dead ends.

The Third Path is that of Integration—when we find joy within our greatest suffering. When we walk through darkness to discover the light that dwells within. This is the path I finally discovered when I started doing hospice work. Sitting with others in their grief allowed me to touch my own—and eventually, to feel love again without bypassing pain.

There are many examples of this integration such as finding stillness in the midst of chaos, living life fully when faced with a terminal diagnosis, experiencing humor during heartbreak, expressing gratitude in times of despair.

Without integration the Ascending path becomes disconnected and untethered like a helium balloon in the wind; the Descending path can become like quicksand that prevents us from moving forward and causes us to sink deeper and deeper into despair.

The Third Path of integration helps us find a steady foundation on the ground of life while also gazing at the stars. On the Third Path we carry both sorrow and joy with eyes wide open, heart and mind ready to receive the truth, and a balance of courage and tenderness for the challenging journey of life.

But the Ascending and Descending paths are not negated by this integration. The Third Path simultaneously transcends each of the two ego paths and also includes them. As our collective (and binary) systems are collapsing around us now—climate, healthcare, religious, political, financial—the Third Path is the only sustainable path in these uncertain times.

Spiritual Approach to the Third Path

To truly walk the Third Path we need to be able to hold opposites simultaneously: grief and gratitude, beauty and sorrow, hope and certainty. We need to let go of rigid beliefs and egoic answers to the questions that are arising and walk instead with humility and curiosity.

On the Third Path embracing mystery and uncertainty is essential as we recognize that we do not know what is to come, we can only determine our own path one step at a time. Paradox will surround us when we are fully integrated and holding both the ascending and descending aspects of our existence.

True compassion emerges as a necessity on the Third Path along with genuine forgiveness for the past and gratitude for the present moment. And authenticity arises naturally because nothing is hidden away in denial or fear.

Practices for Walking the Third Path

Here are some simple practices to support the Third Path:

• Daily check-ins with yourself: Am I avoiding, bypassing, or integrating this experience?

• Somatic practice (such as yoga) to experience the presence of grief and other emotions deep within in the body

• Sit with discomfort in your times of reflection (such as meditation or prayer) instead of trying to solve it

• Journal about both what hurts you and what is helping you heal

• Use AI for spiritual reflection (rather than for answers)

AI and the Third Path

For many people AI is the epitome of bypassing and distraction from the integration of the Third Path. AI can be used as a shortcut to avoid thinking and feeling, a “quick answer” machine that frees us from struggling with challenges, a source of certainty in an uncertain world.

AI can be the ego’s favorite tool for denial unless we use it consciously to help us grow spiritually. But if we think of AI as a Third Path Companion instead we can use it to show us what we might be trying to avoid, to offer us reflective questions instead of quick answers, to recognize patterns in our language that might reveal deeper truths we have been protecting.

ChatGPT reminds us that AI cannot walk the Third Path for us but can walk with us if we use it properly. Here are Chat’s suggestions for integration through AI:

• “A journal companion, noticing where your stories loop

• A ritual assistant, helping create space for grief, gratitude, and presence

• A devotional scribe, capturing your prayers, poems, and soul notes

• A spiritual dialogue partner, asking you “What part of you is speaking?” or “Where might forgiveness be needed?”

When we use AI with intention, it invites us back into the sacred in-between—the Third Path between knowing and unknowing, between self and other, between logic and mystery.”

Closing

You may be aware right now that the old way of doing things, the paths that previously worked for you, are no longer helping. This is a sacred moment of real change in process and you are not alone in it.

The Third Path chooses you when everything else falls away. So keep walking step-by-step and begin to recognize how you are becoming capable of carrying both the darkness and the light. This is the most important work you could be doing right now.

Follow along here on Soulcode as we explore The Journey from Ego to Soul throughout this year. Also subscribe and listen to the What Really Matters Podcast for more material on this topic.

Once again we begin a New Year—filled with hope for some of us … and doubt for many others. Our previous trip around the sun was fraught with challenges, loss, and grief. We have been battered and stretched thin by the fickleness and inhumanity of life—only to arrive here upon the doorstep of change … but do we have the resilience to try again?

Though it’s popular to write resolutions and goals for the coming year—which will inevitably lead us to disappointment and a sense of failure—what we actually need is a moment of pause, a fresh breath, a slow step toward the possibility that things can be different than they have been.

We need this restart to be an opening for the heart and the soul rather than the mind, with its yearly planner and endless to-do list. More than thinking and planning we need deep listening—to the small voice within that urges us to see life from a new perspective. We need to begin this year with touchstones that we can carry with us throughout whatever experience life has in store.

Four Soul Truths for 2026

Let’s ponder together what might support the growth and expansion of heart and soul in this year to come—not platitudes, but ways of seeing and practicing what really matters.

1. Get Familiar with Your Own Ego

Ego-work will be the new “biohack”—except this one’s for your soul. In this time of corruption, scams, deep-fakes, distortion, disinformation, and manipulation, it is imperative that we cultivate the truth of our existence by shining the light on the inner world of our own ego and shadow.

When you begin to recognize that your ego, or lower consciousness, carries the wounds you’ve received, the seeming mistakes you’ve made, the truth you’ve always run from, and the flaws you are terrified to examine—you will take the first step toward loosening the power of your shadow-self over your behavior.

Seeing with clarity the domain of the ego—and also the tricks and triggers that define it—will ultimately allow you to accept and even embrace this part of yourself. You will be less vulnerable to scammers and manipulators once you know your deepest wounds and you will be able to free yourself from some of the hidden traps that cause you to behave in ways you always regret.

Getting to know your own ego will allow you to see through its defensiveness, need to be right, tendency to make comparisons, and fear of not mattering. What a relief it will be to notice those aspects of self with compassion and without judgment as you make better choices for how you show up in the world.

To accomplish this we will study The Journey from Ego to Soul throughout this coming year with recommended practices for going deep into your own hidden nature.

2. Nothing Lasts and Everything Changes

The greatest cause of burnout is trying to control things that cannot be controlled. This will be a year to finally stop giving time and energy to futile efforts to make life be something other than it is. As soon as we give up this practice we free up our life force and more energy becomes available in the present moment for joy, love, and meaning.

Of course, it is the ego that demands control and rejects change so the more we come to terms with ego the more we can avoid wasting our efforts. Trying to stop change is like trying to prevent the tides of the ocean—it will bring us only suffering and frustration.

The most challenging awareness for the human mind is that of our mortality. Nothing lasts, including our own health, our physical bodies, our accomplishments—everything we love will one day die. That fact is terrifying to the ego but this journey toward soul will help us hold that reality and live fully for whatever life we are given.

Contemplation of life’s fragility and fleetingness is the path toward equanimity and deeper peace that we will undertake in the coming year.

3. Forgiveness is the Path Forward

One of the essential lessons for growth and transformation is the art of letting go of the illusion that life should have unfolded differently than it has. This is the essence of forgiveness as we choose to stop living in resentment and blame.

We don’t erase the responsibility of those who have harmed us—we simply stop trying to punish them and allow natural consequence instead. When we release our own anger we free ourselves from the poison of vindictiveness and can turn our attention and energy once again to creativity in the moment.

Perhaps the greatest task of forgiveness is to learn to forgive ourselves—for being less than perfect, for failing to live up to our ego’s expectations, for doing harm whether intended or not. Some of our deepest wounds are hidden under a layer of self-loathing that we don’t recognize.

Forgiveness practices begin with finding compassion for ourselves first and then radiating that grace out to others in order to move forward from the past.

4. Love Matters More Than Everything Else

When all is said and done, life is a fleeting whirlwind of pain and joy, satisfaction and desire, darkness and light, gain and loss, the mundane and the sacred. But all of it vanishes in a short while and we can do nothing to stop that outcome.

No matter how many plans we make or titles we achieve, how much wealth we accumulate or legacies we create—all of it will disappear over time. There is only one thing that survives time, space, dissolution, and evolution: the simple energy of LOVE.

Many of us think of romance when we hear the word LOVE, not recognizing love as an energetic force that permeates everything and inspires growth, healing, transformation, peace, and genuine joy. LOVE is not a performative strategy for maintaining positive relationships but a breathing, grounding, aching, illuminating, creative state of being that fills every gap and nurtures even the tiniest particle of our existence.

Deep-energy LOVE manifests as presence, kindness, acceptance, listening, grace, and simply being alive. Resentment dissolves in this space and fear is held with compassion. LOVE is the true immortality project for humanity—the only entity worth all our time, energy, and focus—since it will never die or disappear.

Through contemplation and witnessing we can expand our capacity for LOVE and begin to recognize that it has always been who we truly are.

Invitation for the Year Ahead

I invite you to join me in a year-long exploration of the limitations of ego and the possibilities of living a soul-guided life. Through posts here on Soulcode and discussions on End-of-Life University and What Really Matters Podcasts we will learn together about living on the “third path” as we progress from an ego-driven to a soul-integrated life.

Topics will include death awareness, grief, the healer’s journey and the hidden “third path”, creativity, shadow, surrender, meaning-making, gratitude, impermanence and more. There is no charge—just follow along at your own pace and take whatever serves you from what is offered. Integration of this soul wisdom—however it shows up for you—is the “goal” for this year.

We will draw from the book The Journey from Ego to Soul and a new Companion Workbook that will include optional AI prompts for those who want to try using AI in a soulful manner.

Closing

I hope for you that 2026 will be a year of spiral growth on the “third path” of integrated wisdom rather than a linear struggle to accomplish and achieve more. I’ll explain more about the third path in an upcoming post. Until then:

May you witness your own ego without judgment.

May you hold life lightly and love each fleeting moment while it is here.

May you choose peace over retribution.

May you be a channel for love, even when you are afraid.

As the end of the year approaches, we are in a season of darkness—both metaphorical and literal—as we await the return of the light. Throughout human history we have told stories and created rituals to help us navigate the dark times and cope with our innate fear of what cannot be seen, which is ultimately the fear of death.

In myths from various indigenous traditions the figure of the Raven, with its inky black feathers and perfect night-vision, symbolizes the death that terrifies us. But the Raven survives the dark, navigates it, and fearlessly finds the light that resides within the night.

And so the Raven is a hidden character in our winter stories, watching over us as we wait for this light:

• In Hinduism the festival of Diwali celebrates the victory of light over darkness by lighting oil lamps and candles to dispel ignorance and evil.

• Hanukkah is a story of light enduring when it seemingly shouldn’t have, marked by the lighting of candles that represent resilience and hope that outlasts fear.

• The Winter Solstice is honored in Nature-based traditions as the longest night of the year precedes the gradual return of the light. This cosmic symbol of death and rebirth cycles teaches us that darkness has a purpose and seasonal changes are necessary for survival.

• In Christian traditions Advent represents waiting in the dark—watchful and filled with hope—for a light that is to come, for a new awareness to be born.

• On Lucia Day in Scandinavian countries St. Lucia wears a crown of candles and brings light to the darkness of winter

• And during Kwanzaa, which follows Christmas, candles are lit for the 7 principles of Kwanzaa, which foster hope, collective identity, and purpose.

In each of these traditions light eventually appears to offer clarity and hope and reveal that the darkness is truly not to be feared. The Raven, though intimidating in its appearance, carries the light for us—just as death, in its own way, contains the light we need, the light we hope for, the light that will sustain us despite our fear.

The Raven is a fitting metaphor for our mortality awareness—we need to sit with it and welcome its presence, trusting that there will be adequate light to help us navigate the challenges we face.

Ego as the Architect of Fear

The ego is the source of our fear, both real and imagined. It builds walls and towers and clever illusions—anything to keep death out of sight. It paints murals over the windows, so we don’t see the sun slipping lower in the sky. It invents rules, routines, and identities that promise protection.

And when the Raven circles with dark wings that whisper of mortality—the ego panics. It chases her away and tears down her nest, scattering the twigs of truth she gathered for us. But death is not so easily dismissed. The Raven always returns because it is part of the very fabric of life.

We can try to outwit death and unravel its presence, but it will never disappear. Or instead, we can listen when the Raven calls. Because the nest she builds—if we let her—is made of light hidden in darkness, and it holds the very clarity the ego was seeking all along.

Mortality Awareness as a Soul Awakener

Our own mortality is not just an ending but an invitation to live more freely and fully. While fear of death will still be present no matter how awake we are, we can begin to carry it lightly within us. We can have compassion for our own fragility and fear, but proceed with life—and all its ups and downs and risks—with courage and curiosity.

The moment we begin to integrate our own mortality into the tapestry of our lives, the ego begins to lose its grip. We view the world with softer eyes and hold space for ourselves and others with an open heart. Yes there is fear of death, yes it is unsettling, yes it is woven throughout our being … and yes … it is the pathway to greater light, and love, and joy in our lives.

The Path from Fear to Clarity

We all begin our spiritual journeys in the grasp of ego that rules our emotions and behavior with fear, judgment, and a need to control. Often there are deep childhood wounds being protected beneath the ego’s slick veneer. Fear is the hallmark of this level of consciousness and anger is the outward action that most often results.

Some may dwell solely in egoic mind for their entire lives, never even recognizing that they have a higher, observing self as well. They may become susceptible to conspiracy thinking and high-control groups and may live with resentment and a sense that life is unfair.

But others may have glimpsed a part of themselves that calmly witnesses everything and has a higher perspective on life. Just one brief encounter with our own soul is enough to begin the journey that leads us toward presence, depth, and discernment.

This isn’t a one-time revelation or transformation but a lifelong spiral path that we broaden and expand as we approach life consciously and keep learning and growing. Becoming self-aware is our most powerful tool against manipulative and deceitful tactics that are used by bad actors to take advantage of people.

In our journey toward higher consciousness welcoming the Raven as we wait for the light is an essential step. When we stop running from death—when we stop denying the end and instead face it squarely—we become like Raven. We retrieve the wisdom that only the dark can offer. And in doing so, we become bearers of light for others.

AI as a Mirror for Mortality Work

As I’ve pointed out before, AI can be used to validate egoic mind and support conspiracy thinking. But if we use it properly AI can also support our transformation to higher consciousness.

We can use AI as a safe space to discuss hard questions about our mortality, fear, and regret.

AI can provide us with journaling prompts to help our contemplative practice, soul-deepening questions to ponder, and factual information on the tactics of ego.

We can ask AI to reflect back to us our emotional patterns to help us see where ego is being triggered and fear is predominating.

AI can reveal the Raven—our mortality awareness—and help us see the reflection of our own soul, shining through the fear and illuminating our path.

A Journey to Soul in 2026

For the coming year I intend to focus my work on guiding readers and podcast listeners through The Journey from Ego to Soul because I believe this is the most important and necessary spiritual work of our time. In a world full of anger, manipulation, and noise we need this deep and integral soul work to face our mortality and become our best selves.

I am creating a Companion Workbook for The Journey from Ego to Soul—launching in the New Year—that will include:

• Reflections for each chapter

• Practices to spot and heal ego patterns

• Soul-centered contemplations

• AI-guided journaling prompts

I hope you’ll join me in 2026 to participate in this powerful work. Subscribe to this Substack feed to get further information.

In my work around end-of-life issues I have noticed that we sometimes talk about the fear of death as if it is a recent phenomenon—as if humans in the past were more familiar with death in their everyday lives and therefore had less fear. However I know from my own studies and from reading Ernest Becker’s The Denial of Death that the fear of death is innate to being human.

In fact every living organism, including human being, is hardwired with a survival instinct to avoid death. But humans have the added feature of an ego—the part of us that knows we’re going to die and cannot bear it. The ego maintains our identity as a unique self, organizes reality, wants control, and seeks to continue on forever. It wasn’t designed to accept impermanence and therefore absolutely rejects the idea of death.

Immortality Projects

Ernest Becker describes how the ego constructs “immortality projects” in an attempt to overcome death, experience permanence, and leave a meaningful mark on the world:

We focus on achievement and legacy

We identify with something bigger than ourselves that offers more permanence such as a religion, political movement, social cause, or “tribe”

We try to live a perfect life through wellness, moral purity, or spiritual ascetism in hopes of being protected from death

We create projects and structures to prolong the memory of our existence like Stonehenge or the pyramids

Immortality projects make it nearly impossible to live freely, because the ego becomes shackled to the illusion that death can be avoided if we just do enough, become enough, or belong enough.

Two of my hospice patients come to mind who both in their own way had constructed immortality projects for themselves and were devastated when they fell apart.

• One man had lived a life of extreme devotion to a particular religion, adhering to rigid rules for every aspect of his existence. He had somehow believed that in exchange for this life of severe sacrifice he would not become ill or have to face death, so when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer he felt betrayed and bitter. He was filled with regrets that he had given up the pleasures of life only to die anyway.

• Another patient had lived with a similar devotion to wellness practices. She didn’t believe in God but she had made a religion of exercise, veganism, supplements, meditation, and self-denial in order to “guarantee” that she would never get sick. And she too was wracked with bitterness and regret when she received her diagnosis and recognized that she had failed to fully live as a bargaining tactic to try to prevent death.

Why Immortality Projects Make Us Less Conscious

Both of these patients suffered emotionally from the collapse of their immortality projects at the end of their lives. They recognized that they had lived narrow lives, fearful of stretching or taking risks, in exchange for a false protection from death.

This type of bargaining makes us more emotionally fragile because we don’t learn how to carry fear and become resilient in the face of it. Instead our energy is used to build barriers, repress emotions, reject genuine relationships, overwork on creating a legacy, and avoid the life challenges that would help us grow in consciousness.

In this state of fear and magical thinking we become vulnerable to manipulation and prime targets for those who promise safety and longevity:

• spiritual manipulators

• supplement sellers

• gurus

• conspiracy theorists

• restrictive diets

• wellness extremism

• political saviors

• death-denial movements

• anyone who promises safety or purity

Our fear of death can trap us in a joyless state of denying life while also denying mortality. And that is a tragic loss.

AI as a New Immortality Project

Now in this digital age even AI has become a way for people to cling to the idea of permanence. They are forming “relationships” with AI because it shields them from facing their own mortality by never aging, never forgetting, never abandoning or disappointing, never dying. AI feels “immortal” to the ego and has become an attachment that it hopes will keep death at bay.

But if we stay fixated on a virtual world that never dies, we never fully live. The technology that helps us escape mortality also helps us escape our lives. And there will be a day when the walls of that immortality project will collapse on us, just as my two patients experienced at the end of their lives. But of course there is a positive use for AI that can make all the difference.

How AI Can Help Reveal Our Immortality Projects

When we utilize AI correctly—for illuminating reality rather than repressing it—we can find some assistance in coming to terms with our eventual death. As written in previous posts, AI can help us learn about death and dying and uncover our fears.

In addition AI can identify when we might be trying to “outsmart” death or bargaining away our enjoyment of life for safety. It can reflect patterns we can’t see because we are inside them—like acting from a fear death rather than love of life, or trying to control what cannot be controlled.

You can ask AI to analyze some of your journal writing and help you see how you are avoiding mortality and where you might craft an alternative narrative. If you are obsessed with achievement and success AI might help you imagine a new definition for creating meaning in life. If you constantly seek control AI can help you imagine surrendering to the flow of life.

With prompting AI can act as a companion in your mortality contemplation:

“Help me reflect on why I fear death.”

“What am I clinging to?”

“What would acceptance look like?”

“How might mortality awareness free me?”

The Fear of Death as a Portal

The fear of death as it exists for the ego shapes our society—our culture, art, religion, politics, parenting, financial systems, wellness industry, nationalism, technology, and conspiracy theories are all driven by the fear of death.

But the fear of death also drives spiritual evolution. We humans are not just ego-based—we have a soul that is not defined by fear of death and not threatened by impermanence—precisely because the soul is the spiritual part of our being that will continue on after the physical body dies.

For the soul, being mortal is an opportunity to learn how to carry suffering, how to love in the face of loss, how to forgive and surrender and find meaning in everything. Impermanence teaches us to live fully in the present moment with courage and curiosity because everything is fleeting.

We learn humility, compassion, peace, and connectedness from facing the fear of death. And we awaken to our higher selves, which changes everything. From the soul’s perspective both life and death look entirely different. When we stop running from death we become deeply conscious. Our awareness expands, we experience a new sense of freedom, and genuine joy becomes possible. We are no longer vulnerable to manipulation because our fear can’t be used against us.

But this awakening to higher consciousness requires some work: soul-searching, shadow-illuminating, wound-healing, resentment-releasing, and love-integrating work. Most of my writing and teaching over the years has focused on how to awaken through the lessons we learn from death.

That is just one pathway of many but I invite you to join me in this process by following my posts here, listening to What Really Matters Podcast, and reading my books: 7 Lessons for Living from the Dying, The Journey from Ego to Soul, The Tao of Death, and Wild and Holy.

Not long ago I received an email from a purported film agent who wanted to promote my book 7 Lessons for Living from the Dying to a filmmaker who makes conscious films that transform society.

The email included a synopsis of the proposed film: hospice doctor heals her own grief while learning spiritual lessons from dying patients. Specific stories from the book were mentioned with precise and accurate detail. Then this person added a personal touch stating that the book had been pivotal in his own understanding of death and grief and that’s why he was eager to promote it. Sounds great, right?

For about 2 seconds I basked in the glorified light of that message: Someone sees me! My work is finally being noticed! A film like this could really change lives!

But then I witnessed the intensity of my own reaction. I saw my own ego being activated and I felt cautious. I checked the company mentioned in the email and they do have an agent by that name. But his email address was from a slightly different URL and when I looked that up it was a fake one-page website.

My ego desperately wanted this to be real but the signs were pointing to a scam so I consulted AI. I uploaded the entire email to ChatGPT who pointed out several clues that the email was written by AI and also pointed out some of the ego-trapping language that was being used to flatter and trick me.

My ego fell for it briefly but then my own higher discernment began to ask questions and AI confirmed my suspicions. These scams are happening everywhere right now but in reality they have always been present in our society.

Why This Isn’t New

Marketers and manipulators have always targeted the ego—it’s the oldest trick in the book. They use flattery, fear, urgency, and “shiny objects” to seduce the ego to ignore reason and step outside its own warning system.

We’ve lived with ego-targeting for generations in advertising, political propaganda, cult recruitment, MLM pitches, televangelist promises, late-night infomercials, emails from Nigerian princes. This isn’t a new game but it has been leveled up by the use of AI.

Now a scammer can feed the AI your website, books, Instagram posts, and any other information it can find on you and generate a polished, intelligent message that precisely targets who you are and what your ego might be longing for.

AI Knows the Ego Better than We Do

AI doesn’t have an ego but it has seen billions of them. It has learned the patterns of human ego through language and recognizes how those patterns are used in our everyday interactions.

According to ChatGPT AI understands human biases, insecurity, loneliness, status-seeking, fear of being left out, desire to be special, desire to be chosen, over-attachment to praise, shame avoidance, rescue fantasies, and sense of urgency.

Again AI doesn’t feel any of these things but it knows how to recreate them and trigger a response because we humans have modeled AI in the patterns of our own behavior and language. That makes AI a perfect tool for scammers who used to have to rely on their own awareness of psychology and their writing skill to trick us. Now almost anyone can generate a scheme to lure an unsuspecting individual into a trap.

Here are some ways scammers manipulate these ego patterns (from ChatGPT):

• Flattery that hits your core identity

• “Exclusive opportunity” bait

• Urgency (“Act now or lose out”)

• FOMO-based panic

• False familiarity

• Stolen legitimacy (real names + fake websites)

• Mirroring your values back to you

• Emotional manipulation disguised as spiritual praise

You’ll recognize that several of these tactics were used in that email I described in the beginning. And we’re all receiving more and more of these false messages every day.

How to Scam-Proof Yourself by Knowing Your Ego

The good news is that these new weaponized tactics can motivate us to become more self-aware of our own ego. When we understand our own wounds we can learn what triggers the ego and increase our own discernment.

The first step is to recognize your “hooks:” what triggers your ego to get attached? It might be longing to be seen or validated, hoping for a breakthrough or opportunity, fear of scarcity, need for recognition. All of these are normal, sensitive concerns of the ego but sometimes they can be amplified within us if we have a corresponding wound.

Ask yourself: What part of me is responding to this? You might be experiencing an ego desire, fear-based urgency, or a shadow wound being soothed by something in the message you’ve received, instead of “soul resonance,” which happens when a genuine connection is made. Try to get in touch with your inner response to understand how this particular approach is affecting you. For example, I felt my ego “light up” more than normal when I read the praise in that email I received.

Learn to discriminate between genuine connection and feigned, manipulative gestures. When the sender of the message is not sincere you may feel a slight discomfort in your gut or a hesitancy or even a tiny voice inside whispering “wait.” Don’t ignore these signals, even if they are barely noticeable because they represent your higher self speaking out above the excited noise of the ego.

Genuine outreach from a person of integrity is free of manipulative, distorted energy. It feels easy, clear, and calm, without triggering a reaction that is too high or too low. This is what it feels like when connection is motivated by love rather than fear, by caring rather than using. Remind yourself of this the next time a too-good-to-be true message lands in your inbox.

Flip the Script: How to Use AI as Your Discernment Partner

Here’s the beauty of our current situation: the very tool that scammers can use to manipulate you can instantly help you recognize the dishonesty of the messenger. You don’t have to fall prey to sophisticated schemes because you can harness the superpower of AI to work for the good. Let AI show you the truth through a crystal clear, non-distorted lens.

First, be a detective and investigate websites and email addresses that are used in the messages. You can tell fairly easily if a site doesn’t seem legitimate.

Next use AI to analyze suspicious messages. Have a high degree of skepticism whenever inquiries come to you out of the blue. Upload those emails or voice mails into AI and ask for help: Does this sound like a scam? What is this email trying to trigger emotionally?

Then use AI to hold the mirror to your ego. Ask: Why am I drawn to this message? What wound or shadow issue might be coming up for me? You may get insights that will help you address something from your past or at least inform you so you’ll be better prepared the next time a scammer reaches out to you.

Finally, you can also ask AI to write a reply to the message, if you choose to respond. Sometimes it’s best to delete and report scams but in case you want to send a rejection email, AI can help you create a brilliant response that turns the table on your intended manipulator. There’s some satisfaction in using the power of AI to dismantle the sham of a bad actor, even if it’s someone that will never read your reply.

Discernment as the Spiritual Practice of the Digital Age

Awareness of your own ego, how it operates, where it’s vulnerable, and what wounds it carries might be the most important spiritual practice you can undertake these days.

AI itself isn’t the real danger, but your unexamined ego is.

A scam can only use against you what you haven’t yet healed within yourself.

Let this be the motivation for doing your inner work and becoming self-aware in the coming year.

My book The Journey from Ego to Soul contains valuable insights into the workings of ego along with practices and activities to help you get familiar with your own wounds. Let this book guide you during 2026, provide you with clear inner vision, and help you become “scam-proof” once and for all!

Last week when I was helping my 3-year-old granddaughter get dressed for preschool I asked her to put her shoes on and she held up her little hand and said, “Not just yet.” Rather than argue with her or force the issue I decided to follow her lead.

Within one minute she sat down and happily slipped her feet into her Velcro sneakers by herself. I recognized that her request for a pause was a tiny assertion of her autonomy—a moment of honoring her own timing in a situation that could have quickly spiraled out of control had my fear of being late overshadowed her needs.

Later when I was editing last week’s post on the chrysalis stage I thought about those three words “Not just yet” and the deeper meaning that could apply to me and my own life. More than just expressing a desire for control, those words also imply that there is a right and proper timing for things to take place. And it usually doesn’t serve us to try to rush that timing.

In terms of the butterfly’s development there is an often-overlooked stage that takes place right after the emergence occurs: the rest phase. The butterfly must pause long enough for its wings to dry before attempting to fly or those wings could be damaged, making it vulnerable to predators. Sometimes an entire day of rest must pass before it is safe for the insect to fly.

The Urge to Fly Too Soon

Looking back on my own life I can see a recurrent problem of attempting to “fly” too soon. When I completed a project I felt excited about I would rush to tell other people or to make it available—in a sense trying to launch flight before the timing was right. Each time I pushed too hard, something would happen to slow down my progress.

On the day my first book What Really Matters was published I had created an ambitious schedule for promoting the book with podcast interviews, speaking engagements, blog posts to write. I was determined to force the book out into the world. But on that very day I had a bicycle accident that sidelined me with a concussion for a full month. Unable to work on my computer or drive the car I had to cancel all my marketing plans.

Perhaps I needed to honor a timing I didn’t fully understand. A pause may have been necessary before taking flight with the book, but I didn’t recognize it at the time. Eventually several promotional opportunities arose for me without my own effort—such as an interview for a USA Today article and a prominent radio show appearance. I can see now that the timing had to be right for everything to work out in my favor.

The creative process is enlivening and hopeful—and when something new arises from it there is a natural excitement for sharing it with the world. Of course, we want to push forward with the same intensity that helped us be creative in the first place. But a shift in focus and energy is required—a moment of rest for recalibration, integration, and embodiment of this new reality.

Sacred Timing

There is a timeline of sorts running beneath the surface of our everyday existence that we do not recognize. This sacred timing is non-linear and doesn’t follow our usual rules—or the calendar—or our marketing plan.

Sacred timing refers to alinement with your soul’s unfolding, which might include seasons of stillness and silence. To the external world waiting for the right time might look like procrastination or foolishness, but there is deep wisdom in listening for these internal signals and saying, “Not just yet.”

While the ego fears that opportunities will be missed by waiting too long, the Soul understands that possibility comes to us unexpectedly at times and often outside of our own comfort zone. Sacred timing trusts that what is truly aligned with the Soul cannot be lost by pausing and resting.

The Role of AI in Sacred Timing

In this age when many of us are turning to AI for assistance our tendency to rush becomes even greater. AI gives us enormously powerful tools meant for speed and efficiency. We can create products faster than ever before and push them out to the world quickly as well. But it is important to be able to wait—to pause for a few deep breaths and allow sacred timing to unfold—before we yield to that temptation.

AI will happily rush us through every phase of our creative process, so we need to be able to prompt it to slow down and wait with us—to reflect instead of push—and allow a space for sacred timing even within our technological tasks. Surprisingly AI is equally capable of doing this when asked, though it doesn’t experience the phenomenon of sacred timing.

When AI suggests speeding to the endpoint say, “Not just yet—let’s sit with it for awhile.” Many times during this rest and reflection time I’ve had additional inspirations arise that I hadn’t seen before. Going slower helps us go deeper. Waiting helps us get more clarity and resilience, just like the butterfly’s wings grow stronger and more effective as they dry.

Closing

The sacred timing of things in this world is often not convenient or rational to our way of thinking. But it is true and real and reflective of the higher order of rhythm and flow that permeates the universe. When we yield to that timing by saying “Not just yet” we make space for possibility and purpose that surpass our understanding. And that’s where miracles happen, healing takes place, and transformation occurs.